Has your child been bullied before? Well, you can almost be sure that he would have been involved in a bullying situation before, even as a bystander. Everyone, including the bystander, has a role to play in shaping how the dynamics of bullying will perpetuate or take shape.
At first glance, bullying seems most straightforward to handle. Haul the bully, punish him, case close. It is often later that the authorities realized that the tension between the bully and the victim remains unresolved by conventional punishment. The bullying simply goes underground and takes on hidden forms to escape the authorities’ detection.
The discerning authority helps by adopting a firm but restorative stance towards the bullies. After all, survey shows that most bullies have been bullied themselves before. No one really empathized with them then, and so they learnt not to empathize with others. This does not mean a condoning stance over the bullies’ crimes, but a partly firm, partly restorative intervention that makes sure that while the severity of consequences are being considered, the bullies are given negotiable chances to make things right with the victim. Most victims also benefit from a mediation session where they face their bullies to share their pent up emotions. This restores the balance of power fairly back to the victim, by the fact that he’s having the last say now. It also allows the bully an opportunity to empathize with the victim and understand the pain he has caused. Success increases with the authority's ability to be absolutely firm, yet empathetically influencing the perpetrator.
The authority then works to shift the 'dynamics' in the classroom. Through a phase by phase strategy, neutral bystanders are empowered and educated to move from being fearful, pro-bully subjects, to be just and courageous to stand up for the bullied. Coupled with continued intervention from the firm authority, the tide changes and the bully loses power and favour.
Our child’s values are built when they see our stand to unfair circumstances around us today. What are you going to teach him about bullying? To stand up for social justice and be counted for the lesser, or to cower in fear or be indifferent?
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Kids and Allowances
Some parents give, cut or take away allowance according to their children’s behavior. If a kid disobeys or breaks a family rule, a penalty will be imposed on them.
This may seem like a drastic measure to discipline a child and putting a price on their behavior. After all children learn by misbehaving right? Yet with holding or docking the child’s allowance may be just the factor that keeps that behavior in check.
Misbehavior has to be dealt with a certain way of punishment. If you decide on using their allowance as the instrument of discipline, make sure that whatever amount given to them is above what is needed. So the extra given is a privilege, not an entitlement. That portion may be taken away if their behavior exceeds a pre-decided boundary. This boundary had to be kept consistent.
This may seem like a drastic measure to discipline a child and putting a price on their behavior. After all children learn by misbehaving right? Yet with holding or docking the child’s allowance may be just the factor that keeps that behavior in check.
Misbehavior has to be dealt with a certain way of punishment. If you decide on using their allowance as the instrument of discipline, make sure that whatever amount given to them is above what is needed. So the extra given is a privilege, not an entitlement. That portion may be taken away if their behavior exceeds a pre-decided boundary. This boundary had to be kept consistent.
Friday, October 8, 2010
How to Reproduce an 'A' in a Child
Has your child ever blacked out in an exam hall even though he was well prepared? Or has he lost a game in dramatic fashion though he was supposedly more skillful than his opponent? Does he perform extremely well in daily work but always below par when it comes to exams? All these are likely signs of performance pressure and stress hindering him from achieving his true potential.
Performance pressure and stress can affect anyone of us. Remember how you fumbled when you met someone attractive while you were still a teen? That’s probably the best way to highlight how performance pressure can make one lose his speech or even his mind. When we become too anxious over outcomes and are fearful of failures, the resulting stress compromises our performance.
John Wooden, widely recognized as the best basketball coach ever, started his career by taking an undistinguished UCLA team that had a 12-13 losing season. He produced an ‘instant turnaround’ when he transformed the faltering team into a Division Champion with a record breaking 22–7 season. He surpassed that number the next season with 24–7 and added a second, third and fourth straight Division Championship. By the end of his career, he has won ten NCAA national championships in a 12-year period while at UCLA, had a record winning streak of 88 games and four perfect 30–0 seasons. What was his secret to success? This was the astonishing philosophy the coach shared:
“Never mention winning. I just want them to be able to hold their head up after a game. When a game is over and you see somebody who didn’t know the outcome, I hope he couldn’t tell by your actions whether you outscored your opponent or your opponent outscored you. That’s what truly matters. If you make your effort to do the best you can regularly, the result is what it should be, not necessarily what you want it to be. That’s what I wanted from them more than anything else. I want the score of the game to be a by-product, not the end in itself. The journey is better than the end.”
Is your child empowered to try his best? Or is he fearful of failing your expectations?
- Written by Leo Hee Khian for Centre for Fathering
Action Pointers…
Your school children are in the exam period in their school now. This can be a stressful time for your child. Take some time to talk to them about their stress, fears worries. Assure them of your support and encourage them during this period.
Performance pressure and stress can affect anyone of us. Remember how you fumbled when you met someone attractive while you were still a teen? That’s probably the best way to highlight how performance pressure can make one lose his speech or even his mind. When we become too anxious over outcomes and are fearful of failures, the resulting stress compromises our performance.
John Wooden, widely recognized as the best basketball coach ever, started his career by taking an undistinguished UCLA team that had a 12-13 losing season. He produced an ‘instant turnaround’ when he transformed the faltering team into a Division Champion with a record breaking 22–7 season. He surpassed that number the next season with 24–7 and added a second, third and fourth straight Division Championship. By the end of his career, he has won ten NCAA national championships in a 12-year period while at UCLA, had a record winning streak of 88 games and four perfect 30–0 seasons. What was his secret to success? This was the astonishing philosophy the coach shared:
“Never mention winning. I just want them to be able to hold their head up after a game. When a game is over and you see somebody who didn’t know the outcome, I hope he couldn’t tell by your actions whether you outscored your opponent or your opponent outscored you. That’s what truly matters. If you make your effort to do the best you can regularly, the result is what it should be, not necessarily what you want it to be. That’s what I wanted from them more than anything else. I want the score of the game to be a by-product, not the end in itself. The journey is better than the end.”
Is your child empowered to try his best? Or is he fearful of failing your expectations?
- Written by Leo Hee Khian for Centre for Fathering
Action Pointers…
Your school children are in the exam period in their school now. This can be a stressful time for your child. Take some time to talk to them about their stress, fears worries. Assure them of your support and encourage them during this period.
Monday, September 27, 2010
How to Reproduce an 'A' in a Child
"Oh, you have gotten an 'A'! I'm so proud of you!" As parents, we often think such statements will motivate our children to work harder towards his next 'A'. While this may indeed produce short term results, the concern is that an underlying message that distorts their sense of self worth gets sent across as well. When we say we are proud of them because of the results they achieved, we are basically telling them that their sense of value to us, their parents, is measured by their performance. "Daddy is proud of me when I get an 'A', so that means he wouldn't be proud of me if I don't get it."
Performance anxiety is one of the biggest sabotages of a child's ability today. Gifted children especially, have a history of scoring above average results. Often, parents, grandparents and loved ones will use this 'possibly temporary' fact to affirm these kids how marvelous they are. Unfortunately, when one thrives by the validation of results, one falls by it as well. The moment these children experience a setback in life, they may equate that to their self worth and not be able to handle that failure very well. This may result in 2 effects: The next time a challenge comes along, the kid may either develop so much performance anxiety and stress that it cause him to fumble, or he may procrastinate, withdraw or escape totally so as to eliminate the risk of failure (and the stress that comes along with it).
How then shall we speak to our children? The key is to praise them for their effort, rather than results. It involves a little change in our language. Instead of saying, "I am proud of you for doing well", try saying, "I saw your efforts, and I believe you can be very proud of yourself that you worked hard for this." By saying that, we are putting emphasis on the child's diligence, instead of his performance. After all, diligence is the key to achieving one's best possible results, consistently.
Performance anxiety is one of the biggest sabotages of a child's ability today. Gifted children especially, have a history of scoring above average results. Often, parents, grandparents and loved ones will use this 'possibly temporary' fact to affirm these kids how marvelous they are. Unfortunately, when one thrives by the validation of results, one falls by it as well. The moment these children experience a setback in life, they may equate that to their self worth and not be able to handle that failure very well. This may result in 2 effects: The next time a challenge comes along, the kid may either develop so much performance anxiety and stress that it cause him to fumble, or he may procrastinate, withdraw or escape totally so as to eliminate the risk of failure (and the stress that comes along with it).
How then shall we speak to our children? The key is to praise them for their effort, rather than results. It involves a little change in our language. Instead of saying, "I am proud of you for doing well", try saying, "I saw your efforts, and I believe you can be very proud of yourself that you worked hard for this." By saying that, we are putting emphasis on the child's diligence, instead of his performance. After all, diligence is the key to achieving one's best possible results, consistently.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
FAMILY TYPES
Although every family is unique, there are significant similarities between all families, there are three characteristic types or patterns that are observable: Autocratic, Permissive and Nurturing family types.
The Autocratic Family
This is where one or both parents rule the family with absolute authority. Here the parenting style is rigid, domineering allowing very little freedom or responsibility for the children. Children are pressured to fit into a mould determined by parent(s) with punishment and rewards. Such children struggle to think, feel, believe, and even dream independently outside their parent’s wishes. As a result, the children have serious difficulties establishing their independent self-identities as they grow up. Rules in autocratic families tend to the inflexible, inappropriate, and rigidly enforced. Unquestioning obedience rather than healthy development is fostered. Such children tend to have weak self-ego, co-dependent on others, emotionally delicate and indecisive.
The Permissive Family
Permissive families reject the harsh and uncompromising stance of autocratic parenting styles, preferring not to accept responsibility for creating a mould for the children to conform. Instead they are encouraged to chart their own course and do their own thing. Little emphases are given to family order and routine. Consequently few boundaries are drawn leading to inconsistencies in family relationships and loose family ties. As a result the children are confused leading to their insecurity and poor socialization abilities. Whereas autocratic families have too much control and too little freedom, permissive families have too much freedom and too little control. This can be a very confusing environment for child.
The Nurturing Family
Nurturing families place a high value on freedom, equality, and responsibility. The primary focus is on meeting individual needs of all family members and promoting their personal growth and development. Family rules in nurturing families are both flexible and appropriate as they are consistently maintained. Personal freedom is encouraged but with limits to proper consideration for others. This builds healthy ego boundaries and socialization skills amongst the members.
Family types are not static but dynamic. At any given moment a family might assume a structure that includes the characteristics of one or more of the 3 family types ensuring that family rules mirror the typical changes in the family structure and according to the developmental stages in their children's lives.
The Autocratic Family
This is where one or both parents rule the family with absolute authority. Here the parenting style is rigid, domineering allowing very little freedom or responsibility for the children. Children are pressured to fit into a mould determined by parent(s) with punishment and rewards. Such children struggle to think, feel, believe, and even dream independently outside their parent’s wishes. As a result, the children have serious difficulties establishing their independent self-identities as they grow up. Rules in autocratic families tend to the inflexible, inappropriate, and rigidly enforced. Unquestioning obedience rather than healthy development is fostered. Such children tend to have weak self-ego, co-dependent on others, emotionally delicate and indecisive.
The Permissive Family
Permissive families reject the harsh and uncompromising stance of autocratic parenting styles, preferring not to accept responsibility for creating a mould for the children to conform. Instead they are encouraged to chart their own course and do their own thing. Little emphases are given to family order and routine. Consequently few boundaries are drawn leading to inconsistencies in family relationships and loose family ties. As a result the children are confused leading to their insecurity and poor socialization abilities. Whereas autocratic families have too much control and too little freedom, permissive families have too much freedom and too little control. This can be a very confusing environment for child.
The Nurturing Family
Nurturing families place a high value on freedom, equality, and responsibility. The primary focus is on meeting individual needs of all family members and promoting their personal growth and development. Family rules in nurturing families are both flexible and appropriate as they are consistently maintained. Personal freedom is encouraged but with limits to proper consideration for others. This builds healthy ego boundaries and socialization skills amongst the members.
Family types are not static but dynamic. At any given moment a family might assume a structure that includes the characteristics of one or more of the 3 family types ensuring that family rules mirror the typical changes in the family structure and according to the developmental stages in their children's lives.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Fathers As Coach
Many fathers find themselves suddenly helpless in parenting their teens. What had worked in their parenting approach to their children are no longer helpful when they become teenagers.
When children are much younger, they welcomed and needed to be told what to do. As they grow into their teens years, they needed space and flexibility for self-discovery in order to develop an identity and values of their own. Any attempt to influence our teens by means of power often result in parents feeling frustrated and helpless. Power and fear games often produce the opposite outcomes in the teen years.
One useful paradigm for parenting the teen years is that of a “coach.” Parents who are used to providing specific instructions to young children may find it more helpful to be coach to their teenagers. As coach, you have the insight and experience. But you do not know your teenager as well as he/she does. You can only coach them to go where your teens are willing to. A skilful coach works with the hormones of our teenagers and not against it.
This is where calm fathers can play an important role in helping their teenagers develop a healthy self-identity. Fathers can be very comfortable in playing the role of a coach to their teens – especially when it’s coaching a teenager towards his/her own healthy aspirations.
REMEMBER Fathers As Coach – A useful paradigm for parenting Teens
When children are much younger, they welcomed and needed to be told what to do. As they grow into their teens years, they needed space and flexibility for self-discovery in order to develop an identity and values of their own. Any attempt to influence our teens by means of power often result in parents feeling frustrated and helpless. Power and fear games often produce the opposite outcomes in the teen years.
One useful paradigm for parenting the teen years is that of a “coach.” Parents who are used to providing specific instructions to young children may find it more helpful to be coach to their teenagers. As coach, you have the insight and experience. But you do not know your teenager as well as he/she does. You can only coach them to go where your teens are willing to. A skilful coach works with the hormones of our teenagers and not against it.
This is where calm fathers can play an important role in helping their teenagers develop a healthy self-identity. Fathers can be very comfortable in playing the role of a coach to their teens – especially when it’s coaching a teenager towards his/her own healthy aspirations.
REMEMBER Fathers As Coach – A useful paradigm for parenting Teens
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Fathers with Big Hearts!
To see children grow in a home environment and not a residential home. That desire sparked in Raymond and his wife Lynette the decision to be foster parents.
It was also Lynette’s voluntary experience in a children’s home in 2003 that made the couple more aware of the circumstances of children who are unable to live with their families. The growing desire became a conviction.
The Lohs fostered their first child through a convent for a year. Jolene*, now 14 years old, still sends them a card every year. Three other children have since passed through the Lohs’ doors through the MCYS Fostering scheme, including a chubby baby who could not stop crying.
The joy in Raymond’s voice was unmistakable as he recalled the 10 month old baby’s 2-day stay. He shared how he had to bring baby Dan* out for a midnight stroll for an hour in the neighbourhood.
As much as fostering comes with its fulfilments, Raymond is also quick to add that it is not without its challenges. A bittersweet learning experience is how he would describe his journey so far. Fulfilling the idealistic aspiration to help children and their families from difficult backgrounds can be sweet, yet he thinks it can be a struggle requiring much forbearance, particularly when the children misbehave; sometimes resulting from what they have been through.
Commitment to the cause is what keeps Raymond, Lynette and their son Russell going in this journey. But the burden is lighter with the involvement and support of the extended family. “Definitely a family effort” concludes Raymond, “and more families should be doing it!”
Reflection pointers for fathers …
1. To be able to establish a strong, firm and nurturing relationship with children is the essence of fathering. The warmth of our homes help us to connect with children. Is our home a welcoming place for children?
2. It is good that our homes are functional and clean, but it is better if our home is one that our children feel loved & welcome; most residential institutions are relatively clean and functional but it lacks the human touch that parents provide.
3. Look out for the next two sharing in the coming weeks by two foster fathers. They will share their journey in caring for their foster children. We would like you to read these stories as a way to honour these men who choose to share their lives and homes with children in need.
It was also Lynette’s voluntary experience in a children’s home in 2003 that made the couple more aware of the circumstances of children who are unable to live with their families. The growing desire became a conviction.
The Lohs fostered their first child through a convent for a year. Jolene*, now 14 years old, still sends them a card every year. Three other children have since passed through the Lohs’ doors through the MCYS Fostering scheme, including a chubby baby who could not stop crying.
The joy in Raymond’s voice was unmistakable as he recalled the 10 month old baby’s 2-day stay. He shared how he had to bring baby Dan* out for a midnight stroll for an hour in the neighbourhood.
As much as fostering comes with its fulfilments, Raymond is also quick to add that it is not without its challenges. A bittersweet learning experience is how he would describe his journey so far. Fulfilling the idealistic aspiration to help children and their families from difficult backgrounds can be sweet, yet he thinks it can be a struggle requiring much forbearance, particularly when the children misbehave; sometimes resulting from what they have been through.
Commitment to the cause is what keeps Raymond, Lynette and their son Russell going in this journey. But the burden is lighter with the involvement and support of the extended family. “Definitely a family effort” concludes Raymond, “and more families should be doing it!”
Reflection pointers for fathers …
1. To be able to establish a strong, firm and nurturing relationship with children is the essence of fathering. The warmth of our homes help us to connect with children. Is our home a welcoming place for children?
2. It is good that our homes are functional and clean, but it is better if our home is one that our children feel loved & welcome; most residential institutions are relatively clean and functional but it lacks the human touch that parents provide.
3. Look out for the next two sharing in the coming weeks by two foster fathers. They will share their journey in caring for their foster children. We would like you to read these stories as a way to honour these men who choose to share their lives and homes with children in need.
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