When you Discipline, Build your Child’s Resilience

I once saw a mother punish her daughter by sending her to her room. But after five minutes, the mother could not resist and peered into the room to make sure that she was alright. After fifteen more minutes, the mother could not take it anymore and dashed into the room. She rushed up to her daughter, hugged her and said “I am sorry but you must not be so mean to your brother you know. Are you alright?”
On another occasion, I saw a boy screaming his head off as his mother struggled to buy the ice cream he so wanted. I heard the mother say “You should not be eating ice cream when dinner is round the corner.”

Discipline can be much more difficult on the parent than on the child. It is particularly acute when parents lose sight of their children’s need to acquire resilience. Too often parents are worried that they are “bad moms and dads” if their children are left crying or in some sort of pain.

A mom said to me “I can’t stand to see my child suffer”. As a result her child never had to face the consequences of her mistakes. Her child did not learn how to face pain and disappointment because someone was always there to bail her out. Every child needs to learn that life is not all about pleasure; and that there will be the inevitable pain. Using the analogy of building our body’s immune system, if we go to great extent to ensure that our children grow up in a germ-free environment, the slightest infection that hits them later in life could kill them. Emotionally fragile children suffer the most; often with drastic consequences.

How can we build resilience in our children?
Learn to see that pain can help our children develop their emotional intelligence. Their tears do not make us bad parents.
Learn to go down to your child’s level when they are in pain and help them articulate their suffering. Help them understand that their wounds will not kill them. That their wounds will heal because their bodies are resilient.