PASSING ON VALUES

Dear Fathers,
I like Chinese New Year (CNY) for the great memories I have from childhood. The deluge of fire-crackers; lion dances; ang-pows; new clothes; and of course, food - especially the family reunion dinner.

The heart of CNY nevertheless is the family. This annual event can be seen to be like the rings in a tree. We can actually see the state of family relationships by observing how the traditions are practised (or not!). During this festive season, we are teaching our children significantly what it means to be family.

Parents speak loudest to the children in the way they relate at CNY to their elders, cousins, distant relatives etc. They learn to participate in family feuds too – “That so-and-so auntie, who does she think she is?”. Children also learn to value the home as they participate in spring-cleaning. If the maid does all the cleaning on this occasion, then children learn deeply that being family is more about being house proud rather than being part of creating the home.

Essentially, I am surfacing the fact that parents constantly pass on values to their children through the way they live, and more so, through the family traditions that are observed. What we believe and profess about being family, can either be cancelled or confirmed by what we practice and how we observe traditions.

Beyond the bed-time storytelling and the one-on-one talk, parents are constructing their children’s socio-emotional compass through their attitudes and actions every moment of the day. Know this and use this.

SECRET OF QUALITY TIME

Often when fathers think of family time, we think in terms of time spent with everyone together like in a meal or going to the zoo. In our minds, we think that since we are already spending so much time every day and especially every weekend together, why do family members still say “We don’t spend time together?” Well everyone knows it’s quality not quantity time that matters. One father shared with me his secret of how he spends quality time with his family. He dates his kids and wife individually.

John has two kids and he would put aside time in the week to have breakfast, or meals with each one of them. This is fixed and announced. He tells me this plan came about when one day his wife told him that the older child felt that he loved the younger one more. So John decided that he would spend equal time on a one-on-one basis so that the kids would experience equality of love from him. It worked surprisingly well because he also learnt to pay attention to each child and realized the difference it made to individual bonds. He said “I used to think that as long as I am spending time with the family, I am bonding with them. I have since realized that bonding is a one-on-one connection. Very different from being with the whole family.”

I learnt from John that quality time is not just about availability but also about attention. We always hear people say “My door is always open”. Why so few walk-ins? Because there’s no attention given. Maybe instead of busying our weekends with family meals, fathers may find converting some of these meals to individual family dates, so as to spend quality time.