A FATHER'S TOUCH

The other day as I said good-bye to my teenage son, I opened by arms as usual. There was a significant pause… and then we hugged. This was not the case earlier on. The hugs came more easily, naturally, spontaneously, warmly and even with fun. But sigh… the onset of adolescence has arrived and the hugs are fast going out of fashion too.

Why should it be so? I am a firm believer that the family that hugs, stays together. I know that this is not part of our Asian (especially Chinese) culture. But touch is a fundamental language of love that we should encourage not just for babies and young children.

I had a friend whose father would give his grown-up sons a firm handshake. It all looked very strange and business-like but secretly I thought, it was better than the adult-sons not having any physical contact with their dad.

At our father-child bonding camps, our closing sessions call upon a father-and-child pair to share what they mean to each other. The deepest connections are witnessed when the father holds the hands of his child, looks fully into the child’s face and says “I love you.” The profound mixture of pride and embarrassment is simply a joy to witness. Many hitherto unspoken intentions are clearly articulated; and the words and emotions are seared into the child’s heart – signed, sealed, delivered.

I believe that this is fundamental for bonding. Too often, fathers fall short not because of heart-connections but because of the lack of touch-connections. Why? Is it because it is too mushy? Too feminine? Unmanly? The fact is that our adult children still love to be loved by their parents. This is so obvious in the way parents themselves return home and enjoy being pampered by their own moms and dads.

Let us keep the touch-connection with our children the way we did when they were young and “safe” to hug. Some families greet each other with the kiss on the cheek; others a full firm face-to-face handshake. You can invent your own for your family.

For years I kept a newspaper cutting of a picture of the great Tiger Woods playfully pulling his father’s jockey cap over his eyes at a golf course. Both were laughing and the fun they shared was obvious. The photo speaks volumes to the well-known father-child bond that Tiger Woods had with his father. For me the picture sums up the touch-connection. A great father is revealed when his grown-up child plays with him as a mentor and friend through words and touch.

FATHER'S "INSPIRATIONAL PRESENCE"

Personally, I believe that Singapore fathers are more involved in early child-rearing today than in the past. I see fathers carrying and ferrying babies and children in the shopping malls and so on. I know of fathers who cook, do the marketing and do laundry and ironing, besides sending kids to school. This is good progress for our families and fathers are capable of even more. But to do this fathers need to know what their children need from them. I believe more than ever, that the children of today need the “inspirational presence” of their fathers.

One father sheepishly said to me, “I am not good in my studies, so I have nothing to impart to my children.” However, children have repeatedly told me that they do not enjoy being tutored by their parents. What they want is for their fathers to stand by them; to be their cheerleaders.
Too often children are already stressed by peer pressure to do well in school. Nobody, including our kids, likes to fail. Nobody WANTS to fail! So disregard the bravados of hurt pride and really see the fear and anxiety that bind our children in school and at the playground, when they think they do not “measure up”.

The maxim “A friend in need is a friend indeed” particularly applies here for fathering. Fathers can become inspirational when they go alongside their struggling children and say, “Hey that was tough. I failed too when I was your age and boy was it painful. I learnt that sometimes it’s just like that. But I also learnt that I can try again, if I want to.”

We are often our harshest critics. It is the same with children. At times like that, having a cheerleader for a father is crucial because children then know that they are loved for who they are, even when they have failed.

In a performance-driven society like ours, we need to show our children that “family” is about unconditional acceptance especially when their chips are down. In this way, maybe we cease to think of our children as OUR pride and joy; and start making parenting more about the privilege and joy of creating, sharing life. Then maybe parenting also becomes less about pleasure-seeking and more about life-giving.