A FATHER'S TOUCH

The other day as I said good-bye to my teenage son, I opened by arms as usual. There was a significant pause… and then we hugged. This was not the case earlier on. The hugs came more easily, naturally, spontaneously, warmly and even with fun. But sigh… the onset of adolescence has arrived and the hugs are fast going out of fashion too.

Why should it be so? I am a firm believer that the family that hugs, stays together. I know that this is not part of our Asian (especially Chinese) culture. But touch is a fundamental language of love that we should encourage not just for babies and young children.

I had a friend whose father would give his grown-up sons a firm handshake. It all looked very strange and business-like but secretly I thought, it was better than the adult-sons not having any physical contact with their dad.

At our father-child bonding camps, our closing sessions call upon a father-and-child pair to share what they mean to each other. The deepest connections are witnessed when the father holds the hands of his child, looks fully into the child’s face and says “I love you.” The profound mixture of pride and embarrassment is simply a joy to witness. Many hitherto unspoken intentions are clearly articulated; and the words and emotions are seared into the child’s heart – signed, sealed, delivered.

I believe that this is fundamental for bonding. Too often, fathers fall short not because of heart-connections but because of the lack of touch-connections. Why? Is it because it is too mushy? Too feminine? Unmanly? The fact is that our adult children still love to be loved by their parents. This is so obvious in the way parents themselves return home and enjoy being pampered by their own moms and dads.

Let us keep the touch-connection with our children the way we did when they were young and “safe” to hug. Some families greet each other with the kiss on the cheek; others a full firm face-to-face handshake. You can invent your own for your family.

For years I kept a newspaper cutting of a picture of the great Tiger Woods playfully pulling his father’s jockey cap over his eyes at a golf course. Both were laughing and the fun they shared was obvious. The photo speaks volumes to the well-known father-child bond that Tiger Woods had with his father. For me the picture sums up the touch-connection. A great father is revealed when his grown-up child plays with him as a mentor and friend through words and touch.