Listening EYES

14 year old John complained, “There’s no point talking to him. He wouldn’t understand. He just doesn’t listen.”

So very often young children, and even older ones, are frustrated with their parents about this one thing that they don’t understand. One of the most important relational skills that fathers can use in getting to understand their children and conveying that understanding is the art of “attending”. This was commonly known as the Dr’s “bed-side manners”.

Attending is basically the skill of giving the person in front of you your whole attention so much so that the person feels he is being fully appreciated. I once came across a comment made about the former US President Bill Clinton about this remarkable attending skill. The person noted that in the midst of a crowded room, Bill Clinton was able to shake his hand and in a conversation that lasted only a minute, made him feel as if he was the only person he was talking to.

The first key to attending is eye contact. When attending to a person in a dialogue, it is vital to first make eye contact. This involves 3 elements of attending with your eyes:
1. Focus. Look into your counterpart’s eyes to make the initial contact and then maintain that at all times. He will know if you look away at anytime especially when he looks away. Do not stare but look with a genuine interest and desire to understand. It is to listen with your eyes and not just your ears.
2. Position. Make the effort to face your counterpart at his eye level. Try saying “I understand you” to someone when you are looking up to the person. You will find it difficult to convey your empathy. You will find real connection when you say it when both of you are at the same eye level.

I have a son who is just over 6 feet tall and frankly looking up to speak with him is physically uncomfortable for both of us especially if I want to bond with him. So when I want to have a real conversation with him, I have learnt to
1. Sit him down squarely before me so that we can be on equal terms;
2. Look full into his face to show him he has my full attention and I want his too; and then converse to make the bonding connection.
3. With children you can do this for 30 minutes and then let them go to do their “stuff” as my son like to say.

A Father and Child Walk

It was a long walk from the taxi drop-off point to the clinic. Wong felt awkward and strange to walk beside his father, accompanying him to his doctor visit. His father is worn down in age, and no longer possessing the fury he once had when he talked to his wife and his children. He spoke so loud and so aggressively, especially when he was drunk, which is quite often, that all his children have drifted away from him when they were old enough and for Wong, he moved away from his father’s house when his mother passed away when he was still in secondary school. He went to live with his older brother. From then on, contact with his father is only limited to the festive holidays. The long walk and the wait at the clinic will be the longest time he has ever spent alone with his father. So Meng tried to fill the silence and awkwardness by telling his father things they saw along the way to the clinic; the recent renovations, the electric porter system the hospital has just installed, the different F&B outlets etc. Wong wished he could say more and had a more meaningful conversation with his father, but he couldn't. The physical proximity between both men is separated by an emotional distance that both have no idea how to overcome.
It was a long walk from where they were till the end of the track. Wong has brought his daughter Ling to the nature reserve for a hike to take photos of different flora and fauna for her science project. In the wood, Wong has many ‘big’ and ‘small’ dialogue with Ling. He discovers some things about his daughter along the way and with it comes an awareness and appreciation of each other. Wong relishes the sharing they have with each other at the hike. How he wished his time with his father could the same.
“What a blessing to have someone, especially a parent, walk with you through life's journey.”