Listening EYES

14 year old John complained, “There’s no point talking to him. He wouldn’t understand. He just doesn’t listen.”

So very often young children, and even older ones, are frustrated with their parents about this one thing that they don’t understand. One of the most important relational skills that fathers can use in getting to understand their children and conveying that understanding is the art of “attending”. This was commonly known as the Dr’s “bed-side manners”.

Attending is basically the skill of giving the person in front of you your whole attention so much so that the person feels he is being fully appreciated. I once came across a comment made about the former US President Bill Clinton about this remarkable attending skill. The person noted that in the midst of a crowded room, Bill Clinton was able to shake his hand and in a conversation that lasted only a minute, made him feel as if he was the only person he was talking to.

The first key to attending is eye contact. When attending to a person in a dialogue, it is vital to first make eye contact. This involves 3 elements of attending with your eyes:
1. Focus. Look into your counterpart’s eyes to make the initial contact and then maintain that at all times. He will know if you look away at anytime especially when he looks away. Do not stare but look with a genuine interest and desire to understand. It is to listen with your eyes and not just your ears.
2. Position. Make the effort to face your counterpart at his eye level. Try saying “I understand you” to someone when you are looking up to the person. You will find it difficult to convey your empathy. You will find real connection when you say it when both of you are at the same eye level.

I have a son who is just over 6 feet tall and frankly looking up to speak with him is physically uncomfortable for both of us especially if I want to bond with him. So when I want to have a real conversation with him, I have learnt to
1. Sit him down squarely before me so that we can be on equal terms;
2. Look full into his face to show him he has my full attention and I want his too; and then converse to make the bonding connection.
3. With children you can do this for 30 minutes and then let them go to do their “stuff” as my son like to say.