FAMILY HOME EVENING

MONDAY night is our "family home evening" when we get together for games, singing, lessons, and family discussions. One parent may give a lesson on being a good neighbour, while one child prepares the refreshments, and another plays the piano during the singing. This weekly tradition is our attempt to put the family first among our priorities in life and it has helped our children learnt values, improved our relationships and strengthened us as a family. We did run into conflict with other obligations but we hung on through 15 years.

When our girls became teenagers we took the telephone off the hook during family evenings. Sometimes we thought we had lost touch with the real world when our daughters told us things we never knew. We discovered that we were learning as much as we were teaching. We hold family evenings because we recognise our role and the influence we have on our children and it is also a demonstration of our love for them. It needs self-discipline to be home early on Mondays, to keep looking for different, interesting activities each week, to keep sending the message “We love one another and we enjoy being together." We let the children play leaders - organising things, preparing drinks, cleaning up the living room afterwards, drawing up next week's roster, teaching lessons like "Why we must love animals". For a change, we would go to the movies or simply drive out for an ice-cream treat.

Family evenings are a time to talk about what happened at school, at home and at work. In the early years, we failed to listen and missed the real message behind the spoken words. The complaints and excuses why certain chores were not completed were signals for help and attention. As we became better listeners, we realised that sometimes all they wanted was a listening ear. When we were not judgemental, we were able to venture into difficult topics, such as sex and Aids. It was as if a brand new world of understanding suddenly opened its door, and we marched right in.

At one family evening, we negotiated a family deal based on keeping promises. Our girls wanted a dog - the agreement was that they would bring home a dog, care for it for one month, and clean up messes without being asked. Our part, as adults, was not to lose our heads if the dog misbehaved. After one month, we had a review - the dog has been with us for two years now.

Family home evenings are a time for discussing family finances and paying our daughters their allowance. We are now discussing if we should use our CPF savings for buying shares. Years ago, we instituted a coupon system of one coupon per-half-hour of TV watching. Given 16 coupons a week, a child could spend them all in one weekend or spread them out through the week. The system taught our daughters self-discipline and careful use of resources. We regard our family members as our stewardship, meaning we are responsible for one another's well-being, growth and success. We try not to take one another for granted, but practise unconditional love. We try to live the principle that love is more a '”verb" than a "feeling” - doing things for others.

The family home evening has provided us learning experiences such as could not be found in any institution of learning. We know we have fun, and we have learnt to face the outside world with confidence, charity and understanding. In a way, it has transformed our home into a fortress of safety and protection against the negative influences of the materialistic world.