THE FATHERING DANCE

It was great fun and both Suen and I could not help but found ourselves tapping our feet to the music after awhile. What I am reminded is that fathering is a dance but as a three-some because the partners are mother, father and child. Of course this immediately creates a very unstable situation. But that is the point.

In the old fashion waltz, bodies are locked in a firm but delicate embrace. It is already a challenge for the two partners to traverse the space on the dance floor in harmony and finesse but how much more difficult when it is a trio. And in the dance, only one person can lead, the other follows. Now you can imagine this can get a bit tricky in a three-some. So it is in the dance of the family triad. Family relationships are unstable and needs constant attention to keep the balance and harmony. The question is who is taking the lead? The funny thing is that the dance begins as a pair, with husband and wife. Sometimes the issue of lead can be quite a problem already. But when the dance now expands to a threesome, to include a child, complications multiply.

If we liken the lead in a dance to doing the talking in the relationship, then the question becomes “Who is talking?” And then of course who is listening and so forth. The point is that with triadic relationships, only one pair of conversation can take place at any one time and the third party can only observe. And only one person can talk at any one time. Two persons talking at the same time is an argument.

Herein is my point. In a three-some dance just like the triadic family relationship, followership is more important than leadership. (Have you heard of the general who said “Charge!” only to look around and find himself all alone in the front?”) To be a good follower, we need to be good observers. Far from being passive, observing is a crucial learning skill. It is fundamental to imitation. Herein is the secret to effective parenting, say, if you want to teach your child to be considerate, she will learn it by watching you being considerate to her mother and not just by being told she should do such and such.

Take a moment and reflect on a mannerism or attitude your child displays and you get surprised how much it emulates your wife for example. It comes from imitation. Children love to imitate adults. It is fun and natural. So the next time you are driven to scream, “Why can’t you listen. You are so stubborn…” … Ask: “Just like…?”

Our walk simply shuts out our talk. We are in a three-way dance with our children, each of them. The music does not stop. Our children will grow up and change partners when they get married and have their own children. Then they have their own three-way dance partners and they will have to take the lead for their threesome.