To see children grow in a home environment and not a residential home. That desire sparked in Raymond and his wife Lynette the decision to be foster parents.
It was also Lynette’s voluntary experience in a children’s home in 2003 that made the couple more aware of the circumstances of children who are unable to live with their families. The growing desire became a conviction.
The Lohs fostered their first child through a convent for a year. Jolene*, now 14 years old, still sends them a card every year. Three other children have since passed through the Lohs’ doors through the MCYS Fostering scheme, including a chubby baby who could not stop crying.
The joy in Raymond’s voice was unmistakable as he recalled the 10 month old baby’s 2-day stay. He shared how he had to bring baby Dan* out for a midnight stroll for an hour in the neighbourhood.
As much as fostering comes with its fulfilments, Raymond is also quick to add that it is not without its challenges. A bittersweet learning experience is how he would describe his journey so far. Fulfilling the idealistic aspiration to help children and their families from difficult backgrounds can be sweet, yet he thinks it can be a struggle requiring much forbearance, particularly when the children misbehave; sometimes resulting from what they have been through.
Commitment to the cause is what keeps Raymond, Lynette and their son Russell going in this journey. But the burden is lighter with the involvement and support of the extended family. “Definitely a family effort” concludes Raymond, “and more families should be doing it!”
Reflection pointers for fathers …
1. To be able to establish a strong, firm and nurturing relationship with children is the essence of fathering. The warmth of our homes help us to connect with children. Is our home a welcoming place for children?
2. It is good that our homes are functional and clean, but it is better if our home is one that our children feel loved & welcome; most residential institutions are relatively clean and functional but it lacks the human touch that parents provide.
3. Look out for the next two sharing in the coming weeks by two foster fathers. They will share their journey in caring for their foster children. We would like you to read these stories as a way to honour these men who choose to share their lives and homes with children in need.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
FAMILY RULES – part 1
Human beings are rule makers and rule followers. Rules make it possible for us to live in communities without getting in each other’s way or violating each other’s rights and boundaries. A family rule refers to any behaviour pattern that is indigenous to a family system or relationship. For example, if Mom and Dad want their kids to excel in their school work, they may enforce the rule that they must do their homework before they are allowed to watch TV. This rule is consciously intended to produce a repetitive behaviour pattern towards school work. In another case, when John gets upset and leaves the room every time his wife screams, he is following an unconscious rule that requires him to vanish whenever he thinks his spouse is angry. There are four categories of family patterns each with their respective polarities:
1) Overt – covert;
2) Appropriate – inappropriate;
3) Flexible – rigid; and
4) Healthy – toxic
1. Overt – Covert Rules
Overt rules are openly communicated and highly visible to the family members so that they encourage ownership, participation and negotiation. They help to explicate family goals and expectations held by the parents. Covert rules are unspoken and tend to be rigid because they are not open for discussion or negotiation. As a result they can develop into family “secrets” that govern behaviours. For example, a covert rule maybe: If you want to do this or that, and you want a “yes” answer, ask Mom first. No one ever sat down and laid this rule but you worked it out through ‘experience’ in your family.
2. Appropriate – Inappropriate Rules
Appropriate goals fit the ages of family members for whom they are intended, and foster developmental goals like trust, autonomy, initiative, and competency. Inappropriate goals, on the other hand, reinforce dysfunctional behaviour patterns and ignore the ages and development of family members. For example, if every time John and his wife step into his family home, his parents treat him like their “boy, boy”, then he is not allowed to ‘grow up’ despite having a family of his own.
1) Overt – covert;
2) Appropriate – inappropriate;
3) Flexible – rigid; and
4) Healthy – toxic
1. Overt – Covert Rules
Overt rules are openly communicated and highly visible to the family members so that they encourage ownership, participation and negotiation. They help to explicate family goals and expectations held by the parents. Covert rules are unspoken and tend to be rigid because they are not open for discussion or negotiation. As a result they can develop into family “secrets” that govern behaviours. For example, a covert rule maybe: If you want to do this or that, and you want a “yes” answer, ask Mom first. No one ever sat down and laid this rule but you worked it out through ‘experience’ in your family.
2. Appropriate – Inappropriate Rules
Appropriate goals fit the ages of family members for whom they are intended, and foster developmental goals like trust, autonomy, initiative, and competency. Inappropriate goals, on the other hand, reinforce dysfunctional behaviour patterns and ignore the ages and development of family members. For example, if every time John and his wife step into his family home, his parents treat him like their “boy, boy”, then he is not allowed to ‘grow up’ despite having a family of his own.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Connecting through Reframing
In psychological terms, to “reframe” something is to look at it from a different perspective. Reframing is a way to turn what might be viewed as a negative scenario into a positive one. A very good example is the half-filled glass analogy. You can look at the glass and say “it is half-empty” or “it is half-filled”. The former can reflect a negative view of the object while the latter a more positive one.
So a parent can look at his child’s exam results and say
Response 1: “How come you only got so little marks and what are YOU going to do about it? Why don’t you...?”
Response 2: “I can see you have made some progress but it looks like some more effort is needed. How do you feel about it? How can I help?”The first response can sound rather negative, focussing on the poor results. There is an accusatory overtone and the blame pressure of “You”. The child is made to feel guilty for the poor performance. It may be true that the child is under-performing but shaming and loading the guilt factor on him will not help even though the intention is to get him to “wake up” and take responsibility for his studies. This is because guilt and shame only increase the emotional burden of the task before him. In extreme cases, the child suffers a breakdown at ‘A’ levels or University. So avoid the guilt trip because it does not work in the long-term.
The second response is more positive because it recognizes the short-coming of the child and calls for more effort but with an open offer of support. It is important for the child to know that he can get help and support even as he seeks to put in greater effort to pass his exams. Notice that the response does not offer solutions, so that the child has to face his problem and find his solution for it. Avoid taking over your child’s problems but help them face it with emotional support from you.
Reflection Pointer…
Recall a recent interaction you had with your child; what sort of emotional outcome did he or she come away with? Was it neutral, positive or negative?
Action Pointers…
Try noticing whether your child is guilt-driven in his or her relationships with others including yourself. A tell-tale sign is judgemental criticism applied to self or others.
Ask your child how they feel about failures and mistakes. Share with your child how you learnt life’s lessons from your failures and mistake, pointing how ‘reframing’ was important to making the change.
So a parent can look at his child’s exam results and say
Response 1: “How come you only got so little marks and what are YOU going to do about it? Why don’t you...?”
Response 2: “I can see you have made some progress but it looks like some more effort is needed. How do you feel about it? How can I help?”The first response can sound rather negative, focussing on the poor results. There is an accusatory overtone and the blame pressure of “You”. The child is made to feel guilty for the poor performance. It may be true that the child is under-performing but shaming and loading the guilt factor on him will not help even though the intention is to get him to “wake up” and take responsibility for his studies. This is because guilt and shame only increase the emotional burden of the task before him. In extreme cases, the child suffers a breakdown at ‘A’ levels or University. So avoid the guilt trip because it does not work in the long-term.
The second response is more positive because it recognizes the short-coming of the child and calls for more effort but with an open offer of support. It is important for the child to know that he can get help and support even as he seeks to put in greater effort to pass his exams. Notice that the response does not offer solutions, so that the child has to face his problem and find his solution for it. Avoid taking over your child’s problems but help them face it with emotional support from you.
Reflection Pointer…
Recall a recent interaction you had with your child; what sort of emotional outcome did he or she come away with? Was it neutral, positive or negative?
Action Pointers…
Try noticing whether your child is guilt-driven in his or her relationships with others including yourself. A tell-tale sign is judgemental criticism applied to self or others.
Ask your child how they feel about failures and mistakes. Share with your child how you learnt life’s lessons from your failures and mistake, pointing how ‘reframing’ was important to making the change.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Styles for Learning and Connecting
Child psychologists since Jean Piaget had demonstrated that babies as young as six-week old have the capability of deferred imitation – the mental capacity to store, remember actions or objects, and later, just simply by thinking, are able imitate or act on this knowledge.
By the age of 14 months, the length of time that children are able to remember an action they have observed and then imitate has increased to four weeks or longer. And this ability continues to develop phenomenally, enabling the exponential growth in behaviour and language acquisition. In fact this ability forms the key foundation in the learning and relating abilities of a person whereupon we learn to connect with the world through our Visual (V), Audio (A), and Kinaesthetic (O) sensors.
Educationists have identified that people learn through a combination of the sensors and develop personal preferences to use which sensor more than the others. It’s like being right- or left-handed. Hence there are 3 primary learning styles are broadly drawn as follows: Visual Learner – needs to see the information through graphic representations; Audio Learner – needs to hear the information; and Kinaesthetic Learner – needs to touch and manipulate the information. In all cases, the primary sensor is assisted by the remaining sensors to aid total learning and imitation
Reflection pointers for fathers to consider...
In fathering context, we can remind ourselves the following:
1. That our kids are natural and expert learners by the time they can walk. No one is stupid. We all CAN Learn;
2. That our kids have their own personal unique learning styles and if we can determine that we can then help facilitate their learning experience positively;
3. That we can then connect with our kids on the same wavelength and deepen our relationships with them.
Action pointers for fathers to connect...
Take time to observe and engage your child to determine his/her learning style preference. Visual learner tends to use words connected with seeing e.g., “I see you are right”. Audio learners tend to use words connected to hearing e.g., “That sounds about right”. Kinaesthetic tends to use feeling words e.g., “That feels right!”
By the age of 14 months, the length of time that children are able to remember an action they have observed and then imitate has increased to four weeks or longer. And this ability continues to develop phenomenally, enabling the exponential growth in behaviour and language acquisition. In fact this ability forms the key foundation in the learning and relating abilities of a person whereupon we learn to connect with the world through our Visual (V), Audio (A), and Kinaesthetic (O) sensors.
Educationists have identified that people learn through a combination of the sensors and develop personal preferences to use which sensor more than the others. It’s like being right- or left-handed. Hence there are 3 primary learning styles are broadly drawn as follows: Visual Learner – needs to see the information through graphic representations; Audio Learner – needs to hear the information; and Kinaesthetic Learner – needs to touch and manipulate the information. In all cases, the primary sensor is assisted by the remaining sensors to aid total learning and imitation
Reflection pointers for fathers to consider...
In fathering context, we can remind ourselves the following:
1. That our kids are natural and expert learners by the time they can walk. No one is stupid. We all CAN Learn;
2. That our kids have their own personal unique learning styles and if we can determine that we can then help facilitate their learning experience positively;
3. That we can then connect with our kids on the same wavelength and deepen our relationships with them.
Action pointers for fathers to connect...
Take time to observe and engage your child to determine his/her learning style preference. Visual learner tends to use words connected with seeing e.g., “I see you are right”. Audio learners tend to use words connected to hearing e.g., “That sounds about right”. Kinaesthetic tends to use feeling words e.g., “That feels right!”
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Nature’s Gift to the Nurturing Father
I couldn’t help noticing the confident stride the young father walked into the train with his babe wrapped round his chest in a carrier. The mother followed alongside him with the stroller and all the usual peripherals in it. They sat down and enthusiastically chatted unconscious that they were actually poised in a picture perfect ideal family snap if someone would care to take note.
Significantly this is getting to be a common sight in the malls and trains and more importantly I observed what scientists have noted that fathers of babies often display an aura of “engrossment”. It is the man’s version of his paternal instinct. This engrossment like the maternal instinct is nature’s way to draw the father into caring and nurturing his baby.
This is a very important fact that counters a prevailing myth that men are not nurturers. The truth is that men are often discouraged from tapping into their natural emotions for fear of being ridiculed as un-masculine that we cut ourselves off our nurturing instincts.
Reflection pointers for fathers to consider...
Don’t curb your enthusiasm. Studies also show that if this engrossment is not expressed and engaged, it will die off and the father will find it so much harder to connect and bond with his child. It is therefore critical that couples should make every effort to help fathers, especially first-timers to actively engage in their “engrossment” with their newborn babies. It makes bonding ties so much easier and natural.
Action pointers for fathers to connect...
1. Relax and trust your instincts to care, to hold, to play and to connect with your children in a nurturing way by simply allowing your feelings of engrossment, which often expresses itself as enthusiasm, to surface.
2. Place a photo of your baby/children in your office table or shelf; share your baby/children stories with colleagues and friends. The important thing is to talk about your baby to others, especially men friends.
3. Ask your child to support a charity event by running with him/her on the F1 track. Run, jog or walk hand in hand with him/her, and encourage one other to finished the race. Details below.
I believe that as more and more fathers today give themselves permission to care and nurture their babies and children at home and in public, we will strengthen our families by giving our children the two parent-nurturers they need.
Significantly this is getting to be a common sight in the malls and trains and more importantly I observed what scientists have noted that fathers of babies often display an aura of “engrossment”. It is the man’s version of his paternal instinct. This engrossment like the maternal instinct is nature’s way to draw the father into caring and nurturing his baby.
This is a very important fact that counters a prevailing myth that men are not nurturers. The truth is that men are often discouraged from tapping into their natural emotions for fear of being ridiculed as un-masculine that we cut ourselves off our nurturing instincts.
Reflection pointers for fathers to consider...
Don’t curb your enthusiasm. Studies also show that if this engrossment is not expressed and engaged, it will die off and the father will find it so much harder to connect and bond with his child. It is therefore critical that couples should make every effort to help fathers, especially first-timers to actively engage in their “engrossment” with their newborn babies. It makes bonding ties so much easier and natural.
Action pointers for fathers to connect...
1. Relax and trust your instincts to care, to hold, to play and to connect with your children in a nurturing way by simply allowing your feelings of engrossment, which often expresses itself as enthusiasm, to surface.
2. Place a photo of your baby/children in your office table or shelf; share your baby/children stories with colleagues and friends. The important thing is to talk about your baby to others, especially men friends.
3. Ask your child to support a charity event by running with him/her on the F1 track. Run, jog or walk hand in hand with him/her, and encourage one other to finished the race. Details below.
I believe that as more and more fathers today give themselves permission to care and nurture their babies and children at home and in public, we will strengthen our families by giving our children the two parent-nurturers they need.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Like Father, like child
The terrible twos, the defiant preteen, the rebellious teen etc... Fathering is a journey of ever changing problems. Each one seems to be greater than the next. It seems like it never ends; but that is what it is. Fathering is a lifelong process; even an adult child will come to you for advice every now and then. We try hard to come up with clever solutions, but something that works today may not work tomorrow and even if it does another dilemma will surface.
Let’s step back and look at the big picture. Quick fix solutions will only tide you past that incident. Fathers should work less on the surface issues and pay more attention on the inner self of the child. Good morals, compassionate heart, religious belief and a thoughtful mind. These are some of the strong foundations that can be deeply rooted in your child. How do you teach these values effectively? Besides the obvious way of talking and telling them the right things to do, a more effective method is to walk the talk. Your actions, speech, belief, and emotion will mark your child’s personality. Have you ever noticed how younger children try to emulate the actions of an adult? Throughout the child’s growing years, although not as obviously, he is still looking at you and shaping his inner being according to your likeness. If you want certain traits in your child, you will need to show it first.
With your child armed with these strong foundations, even in the midst of toughest problems, you know that these values will push through eventually. Even in your absence more likely than not he/she will make a discerned decision.
Reflection pointers for fathers to consider...
Name a value that you want to pass on to your children. How are you demonstrating and living out this value in your interaction with your child?
The day to day activities of living present many great teaching moments for you to impart values to your child, e.g like helping mommy to set the table or wash the dishes after the meal, or cleaning the fish tank or the rabbit cage if you have pets at home.
Action pointers for fathers to connect...
1. Ask your wife what is one value she wants to pass on to the children. Ask her how you can help to demonstrate that value at home and in your interaction with the children.
2. Tell your children about a difficult time in your school life, how it impacted your life and how you find strength to carry on in the difficult times.
Let’s step back and look at the big picture. Quick fix solutions will only tide you past that incident. Fathers should work less on the surface issues and pay more attention on the inner self of the child. Good morals, compassionate heart, religious belief and a thoughtful mind. These are some of the strong foundations that can be deeply rooted in your child. How do you teach these values effectively? Besides the obvious way of talking and telling them the right things to do, a more effective method is to walk the talk. Your actions, speech, belief, and emotion will mark your child’s personality. Have you ever noticed how younger children try to emulate the actions of an adult? Throughout the child’s growing years, although not as obviously, he is still looking at you and shaping his inner being according to your likeness. If you want certain traits in your child, you will need to show it first.
With your child armed with these strong foundations, even in the midst of toughest problems, you know that these values will push through eventually. Even in your absence more likely than not he/she will make a discerned decision.
Reflection pointers for fathers to consider...
Name a value that you want to pass on to your children. How are you demonstrating and living out this value in your interaction with your child?
The day to day activities of living present many great teaching moments for you to impart values to your child, e.g like helping mommy to set the table or wash the dishes after the meal, or cleaning the fish tank or the rabbit cage if you have pets at home.
Action pointers for fathers to connect...
1. Ask your wife what is one value she wants to pass on to the children. Ask her how you can help to demonstrate that value at home and in your interaction with the children.
2. Tell your children about a difficult time in your school life, how it impacted your life and how you find strength to carry on in the difficult times.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Have you ever hugged your father
Every one of us has a father. Some lost their fathers even before they were born.
I have a father and I wish that I have a closer relationship with him. May be I had a girlfriend too early. So I wasn’t home most of the time. Perhaps I left home too early for further studies.
If you have a choice – what kind of father do you want? Do you really need a father?
My father is a good man. He worked hard and provided for the family. I have no lack in my life.
He is a man of few words. I never know what he thinks about me. I have no idea what he feels about me. I am sure he loves me but I can’t feel his love.
I have been carrying this wound in my heart that never seems to go away….
Do you have an emotionally distant father like me?
I wonder why I strive so much in life. I learned from experienced counselors that I may be seeking affirmation in my life. There is this unceasing desire to have a mentor in my life. Whenever I see a learned wise man, I have an urge to ask him to be my mentor.
Could this be because I am seeking for my father's love?
Abraham Maslow is wrong. The need to be well-fathered is the fundamental need of the human heart. I am not an orphan. But I feel emotionally detached from my father. I never know if my father loves me as a son. I tried to recall an occasion when my father played with me or when he hugged me and told me how much he loves me.
None came to my mind.
My father -
What do you think about me?
Am I precious in your eyes?
Am I a special child?
Do I have a part in your heart?
Have you ever sing over me like I sing over my baby?
Remember - I am your firstborn
Do you have any feelings towards me?
Do you really love me?
Father me
A thought came
My dad himself may not be well-fathered
He left his dad for studies when he was just a teen.
Then I heard a voice from above
Go hug your father
I have never done this before
Seemed strange
What would my dad think of me?
Will I be accepted?
I did it anyway
And I have not stopped hugging my dad since
Have you ever hugged your dad?
You need to hold him tight
‘cos few men know how to embrace their child…
I have a father and I wish that I have a closer relationship with him. May be I had a girlfriend too early. So I wasn’t home most of the time. Perhaps I left home too early for further studies.
If you have a choice – what kind of father do you want? Do you really need a father?
My father is a good man. He worked hard and provided for the family. I have no lack in my life.
He is a man of few words. I never know what he thinks about me. I have no idea what he feels about me. I am sure he loves me but I can’t feel his love.
I have been carrying this wound in my heart that never seems to go away….
Do you have an emotionally distant father like me?
I wonder why I strive so much in life. I learned from experienced counselors that I may be seeking affirmation in my life. There is this unceasing desire to have a mentor in my life. Whenever I see a learned wise man, I have an urge to ask him to be my mentor.
Could this be because I am seeking for my father's love?
Abraham Maslow is wrong. The need to be well-fathered is the fundamental need of the human heart. I am not an orphan. But I feel emotionally detached from my father. I never know if my father loves me as a son. I tried to recall an occasion when my father played with me or when he hugged me and told me how much he loves me.
None came to my mind.
My father -
What do you think about me?
Am I precious in your eyes?
Am I a special child?
Do I have a part in your heart?
Have you ever sing over me like I sing over my baby?
Remember - I am your firstborn
Do you have any feelings towards me?
Do you really love me?
Father me
A thought came
My dad himself may not be well-fathered
He left his dad for studies when he was just a teen.
Then I heard a voice from above
Go hug your father
I have never done this before
Seemed strange
What would my dad think of me?
Will I be accepted?
I did it anyway
And I have not stopped hugging my dad since
Have you ever hugged your dad?
You need to hold him tight
‘cos few men know how to embrace their child…
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
FATHERING EMOTIONALLY
Father: “All I ever want is for my teen to be happy. Why is it so difficult?”
Teen: “I want to quit school coz I am not interested in it?”
Father: “No. You must go to school coz you will then get good grades and have a good job and be happy.”
Teen: “No I don’t need to go to school to be happy and why worry about the future now?”
Parent: “You are too young to understand. Just go to school and be happy.”
Teenager: “I am not happy. I don’t want to go to school.”
Here is a test of two wills. Both father and teen assume they are talking about the same thing but there’s no emotional connection. A more congruent communication is for the father to come alongside the teen and emotionally walk through the difficulties and struggles that lie behind this expressed desire to quit school.
Father: “I need you to study hard and pass your exams even if you don’t enjoy school because it is important to us that you get a good educational grounding.”
Teen: “But I hate school and exams. It’s too stressful and the teachers are bad.”
Father: “Alright sounds like you are struggling with school. Let’s go down the list and hear out your complaints. Then we can see how we can leverage the good stuff you have in school to get through the bad stuff.”
The key here is to give your child the emotional support he needs when he is struggling. Below is a brief summary of steps to giving emotional support to your child:
1. Help the child identify her difficulty or dislike head on and not avoid it with your full present support so she does not feel alone. Don’t fix the problem for her.
2. Point out the positive assets even as the child relates her struggle. This may include resources like friends, tutor, past successes and so on to empower your child. Avoid criticisms that are indicated by words like “should” and “must”.
3. Encourage the child to apply the new found resources and let her tell you what would change if she did so.
4. Walk through her difficulties with a view that she has the power to overcome and be happy.
Parents need to know that we can never protect our children from the difficulties of life but we can do the more important thing of empowering them to face them with emotional support.
Teen: “I want to quit school coz I am not interested in it?”
Father: “No. You must go to school coz you will then get good grades and have a good job and be happy.”
Teen: “No I don’t need to go to school to be happy and why worry about the future now?”
Parent: “You are too young to understand. Just go to school and be happy.”
Teenager: “I am not happy. I don’t want to go to school.”
Here is a test of two wills. Both father and teen assume they are talking about the same thing but there’s no emotional connection. A more congruent communication is for the father to come alongside the teen and emotionally walk through the difficulties and struggles that lie behind this expressed desire to quit school.
Father: “I need you to study hard and pass your exams even if you don’t enjoy school because it is important to us that you get a good educational grounding.”
Teen: “But I hate school and exams. It’s too stressful and the teachers are bad.”
Father: “Alright sounds like you are struggling with school. Let’s go down the list and hear out your complaints. Then we can see how we can leverage the good stuff you have in school to get through the bad stuff.”
The key here is to give your child the emotional support he needs when he is struggling. Below is a brief summary of steps to giving emotional support to your child:
1. Help the child identify her difficulty or dislike head on and not avoid it with your full present support so she does not feel alone. Don’t fix the problem for her.
2. Point out the positive assets even as the child relates her struggle. This may include resources like friends, tutor, past successes and so on to empower your child. Avoid criticisms that are indicated by words like “should” and “must”.
3. Encourage the child to apply the new found resources and let her tell you what would change if she did so.
4. Walk through her difficulties with a view that she has the power to overcome and be happy.
Parents need to know that we can never protect our children from the difficulties of life but we can do the more important thing of empowering them to face them with emotional support.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Listening EYES
14 year old John complained, “There’s no point talking to him. He wouldn’t understand. He just doesn’t listen.”
So very often young children, and even older ones, are frustrated with their parents about this one thing that they don’t understand. One of the most important relational skills that fathers can use in getting to understand their children and conveying that understanding is the art of “attending”. This was commonly known as the Dr’s “bed-side manners”.
Attending is basically the skill of giving the person in front of you your whole attention so much so that the person feels he is being fully appreciated. I once came across a comment made about the former US President Bill Clinton about this remarkable attending skill. The person noted that in the midst of a crowded room, Bill Clinton was able to shake his hand and in a conversation that lasted only a minute, made him feel as if he was the only person he was talking to.
The first key to attending is eye contact. When attending to a person in a dialogue, it is vital to first make eye contact. This involves 3 elements of attending with your eyes:
1. Focus. Look into your counterpart’s eyes to make the initial contact and then maintain that at all times. He will know if you look away at anytime especially when he looks away. Do not stare but look with a genuine interest and desire to understand. It is to listen with your eyes and not just your ears.
2. Position. Make the effort to face your counterpart at his eye level. Try saying “I understand you” to someone when you are looking up to the person. You will find it difficult to convey your empathy. You will find real connection when you say it when both of you are at the same eye level.
I have a son who is just over 6 feet tall and frankly looking up to speak with him is physically uncomfortable for both of us especially if I want to bond with him. So when I want to have a real conversation with him, I have learnt to
1. Sit him down squarely before me so that we can be on equal terms;
2. Look full into his face to show him he has my full attention and I want his too; and then converse to make the bonding connection.
3. With children you can do this for 30 minutes and then let them go to do their “stuff” as my son like to say.
So very often young children, and even older ones, are frustrated with their parents about this one thing that they don’t understand. One of the most important relational skills that fathers can use in getting to understand their children and conveying that understanding is the art of “attending”. This was commonly known as the Dr’s “bed-side manners”.
Attending is basically the skill of giving the person in front of you your whole attention so much so that the person feels he is being fully appreciated. I once came across a comment made about the former US President Bill Clinton about this remarkable attending skill. The person noted that in the midst of a crowded room, Bill Clinton was able to shake his hand and in a conversation that lasted only a minute, made him feel as if he was the only person he was talking to.
The first key to attending is eye contact. When attending to a person in a dialogue, it is vital to first make eye contact. This involves 3 elements of attending with your eyes:
1. Focus. Look into your counterpart’s eyes to make the initial contact and then maintain that at all times. He will know if you look away at anytime especially when he looks away. Do not stare but look with a genuine interest and desire to understand. It is to listen with your eyes and not just your ears.
2. Position. Make the effort to face your counterpart at his eye level. Try saying “I understand you” to someone when you are looking up to the person. You will find it difficult to convey your empathy. You will find real connection when you say it when both of you are at the same eye level.
I have a son who is just over 6 feet tall and frankly looking up to speak with him is physically uncomfortable for both of us especially if I want to bond with him. So when I want to have a real conversation with him, I have learnt to
1. Sit him down squarely before me so that we can be on equal terms;
2. Look full into his face to show him he has my full attention and I want his too; and then converse to make the bonding connection.
3. With children you can do this for 30 minutes and then let them go to do their “stuff” as my son like to say.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Father and Child Walk
It was a long walk from the taxi drop-off point to the clinic. Wong felt awkward and strange to walk beside his father, accompanying him to his doctor visit. His father is worn down in age, and no longer possessing the fury he once had when he talked to his wife and his children. He spoke so loud and so aggressively, especially when he was drunk, which is quite often, that all his children have drifted away from him when they were old enough and for Wong, he moved away from his father’s house when his mother passed away when he was still in secondary school. He went to live with his older brother. From then on, contact with his father is only limited to the festive holidays. The long walk and the wait at the clinic will be the longest time he has ever spent alone with his father. So Meng tried to fill the silence and awkwardness by telling his father things they saw along the way to the clinic; the recent renovations, the electric porter system the hospital has just installed, the different F&B outlets etc. Wong wished he could say more and had a more meaningful conversation with his father, but he couldn't. The physical proximity between both men is separated by an emotional distance that both have no idea how to overcome.
It was a long walk from where they were till the end of the track. Wong has brought his daughter Ling to the nature reserve for a hike to take photos of different flora and fauna for her science project. In the wood, Wong has many ‘big’ and ‘small’ dialogue with Ling. He discovers some things about his daughter along the way and with it comes an awareness and appreciation of each other. Wong relishes the sharing they have with each other at the hike. How he wished his time with his father could the same.
“What a blessing to have someone, especially a parent, walk with you through life's journey.”
It was a long walk from where they were till the end of the track. Wong has brought his daughter Ling to the nature reserve for a hike to take photos of different flora and fauna for her science project. In the wood, Wong has many ‘big’ and ‘small’ dialogue with Ling. He discovers some things about his daughter along the way and with it comes an awareness and appreciation of each other. Wong relishes the sharing they have with each other at the hike. How he wished his time with his father could the same.
“What a blessing to have someone, especially a parent, walk with you through life's journey.”
Thursday, January 29, 2009
When you Discipline, Build your Child’s Resilience
I once saw a mother punish her daughter by sending her to her room. But after five minutes, the mother could not resist and peered into the room to make sure that she was alright. After fifteen more minutes, the mother could not take it anymore and dashed into the room. She rushed up to her daughter, hugged her and said “I am sorry but you must not be so mean to your brother you know. Are you alright?”
On another occasion, I saw a boy screaming his head off as his mother struggled to buy the ice cream he so wanted. I heard the mother say “You should not be eating ice cream when dinner is round the corner.”
Discipline can be much more difficult on the parent than on the child. It is particularly acute when parents lose sight of their children’s need to acquire resilience. Too often parents are worried that they are “bad moms and dads” if their children are left crying or in some sort of pain.
A mom said to me “I can’t stand to see my child suffer”. As a result her child never had to face the consequences of her mistakes. Her child did not learn how to face pain and disappointment because someone was always there to bail her out. Every child needs to learn that life is not all about pleasure; and that there will be the inevitable pain. Using the analogy of building our body’s immune system, if we go to great extent to ensure that our children grow up in a germ-free environment, the slightest infection that hits them later in life could kill them. Emotionally fragile children suffer the most; often with drastic consequences.
How can we build resilience in our children?
Learn to see that pain can help our children develop their emotional intelligence. Their tears do not make us bad parents.
Learn to go down to your child’s level when they are in pain and help them articulate their suffering. Help them understand that their wounds will not kill them. That their wounds will heal because their bodies are resilient.
On another occasion, I saw a boy screaming his head off as his mother struggled to buy the ice cream he so wanted. I heard the mother say “You should not be eating ice cream when dinner is round the corner.”
Discipline can be much more difficult on the parent than on the child. It is particularly acute when parents lose sight of their children’s need to acquire resilience. Too often parents are worried that they are “bad moms and dads” if their children are left crying or in some sort of pain.
A mom said to me “I can’t stand to see my child suffer”. As a result her child never had to face the consequences of her mistakes. Her child did not learn how to face pain and disappointment because someone was always there to bail her out. Every child needs to learn that life is not all about pleasure; and that there will be the inevitable pain. Using the analogy of building our body’s immune system, if we go to great extent to ensure that our children grow up in a germ-free environment, the slightest infection that hits them later in life could kill them. Emotionally fragile children suffer the most; often with drastic consequences.
How can we build resilience in our children?
Learn to see that pain can help our children develop their emotional intelligence. Their tears do not make us bad parents.
Learn to go down to your child’s level when they are in pain and help them articulate their suffering. Help them understand that their wounds will not kill them. That their wounds will heal because their bodies are resilient.
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