Have you ever wondered what quality time is and how we can make it happen especially in the context of parenting?
Two indispensable elements that build “quality” in our time spent with our children are: availability and attentiveness.
Availability
Have you ever come across a boss whose door is always closed and whose lights are out? The impression given is that he is simply too busy. It is the same with the home. Many a father is physically unavailable - so busy at work that their children can even defend their absence. But in today’s techno world of instant-connectivity the father has to come clean and remove this myth from his children. There is no excuse: fathers choose either work first or family first.
I know of a father who holds down three jobs to make ends meet, but makes time for the family through phone calls and Sunday-night dinners. The point is that his children know he is breaking his back for them and they appreciate even more that he still makes his presence felt despite not being physically at home.
Attentiveness
Have you ever come across a boss whose door is always open and who always claims that he is available but people hardly go in to see him? An “open door” is really useless when the person inside the room is not really interested in people. The key to attentiveness is to focus on the person given the time allocated, just like a laser beam. I once read that Bill Clinton was considered charismatic because he made a person feel as if he was the only person in the room when Clinton was talking to him.
One way to start practicing attentiveness with your children is to always look into their eyes when you have a conversation with them. Make sure that all other distractions are removed. I always make it a habit to give the person who is physically with me, the priority over any phone calls. Fathers come to our bonding workshops with their children and spend time on their handphones – what message do you think their children are receiving?
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
FAMILY- A TOUCHING REMINDER
F A M I L Y
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;I wasn't watching for you.
"We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,My son stood beside me very still.When I turned, I nearly knocked him down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.He walked away, his little heart broken.I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,God's still small voice came to me and said,"While dealing with a stranger,common courtesy you use,but the family you love, you seem to abuse.Go and look on the kitchen floor,You'll find some flowers there by the door.Those are the flowers he brought for you.He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.
"By this time, I felt very small,And now my tears began to fall.I quietly went and knelt by his bed;"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said."Are these the flowers you picked for me?"He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.I love you anyway."I said, "Son, I love you too,and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us ina matter of days.But the family we left behind will feel the lossfor the rest of their lives.And come to think of it, we pour ourselves moreinto work than into our own family,an unwise investment indeed,don't you think?
So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;I wasn't watching for you.
"We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,My son stood beside me very still.When I turned, I nearly knocked him down."Move out of the way," I said with a frown.He walked away, his little heart broken.I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,God's still small voice came to me and said,"While dealing with a stranger,common courtesy you use,but the family you love, you seem to abuse.Go and look on the kitchen floor,You'll find some flowers there by the door.Those are the flowers he brought for you.He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.
"By this time, I felt very small,And now my tears began to fall.I quietly went and knelt by his bed;"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said."Are these the flowers you picked for me?"He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.I love you anyway."I said, "Son, I love you too,and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us ina matter of days.But the family we left behind will feel the lossfor the rest of their lives.And come to think of it, we pour ourselves moreinto work than into our own family,an unwise investment indeed,don't you think?
So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
JOY OF FATHERHOOD
After spending an afternoon with one of my two boys, I asked myself how affirming I had been. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most positive, I rated myself 4 and that allowed me to check on what happened. After a while, I have come to realize that I tend to be less affirming whenever I am performance-focused, distracted or pressed for time.
Whenever I have an agenda I would fail to see and fully listen to my son. This would quickly turn my focus off him as a person and onto his performance. He recedes into the background and I look at him as a problem to solve or an object to motivate. I reduce him to an “object” and our interaction as an “objective”. This mode leads to “good/bad” or “right/wrong” judgments; and the personal relationship is swallowed up by the concern for performance. My son tenses up and starts hearing my concerns as “nagging”. Our conversation moves from interactive to restrictive.
When using the language of affirmation, I try to first and foremost listen to my son’s point, so that he finds himself heard and then responds accordingly. I know I am on the right track when his eyes brighten up; his voice becomes more excited and relaxed; and he is talking and sharing fully from himself. He may also tell a joke or share an experience; and overall the flow of his spirit is exhilarating. At 14, my new teen can really give me a ride in my own youth. He is growing fast and I am thrilled to get a glimpse of his adventure in finding his self-confidence. What a privilege!
I would encourage any parent, especially fathers, to try this out – listen to your child with a view to seeing the beauty of his soul. You will find the joy of fatherhood because it’s not just about molding someone – it’s more about nurturing another.
Whenever I have an agenda I would fail to see and fully listen to my son. This would quickly turn my focus off him as a person and onto his performance. He recedes into the background and I look at him as a problem to solve or an object to motivate. I reduce him to an “object” and our interaction as an “objective”. This mode leads to “good/bad” or “right/wrong” judgments; and the personal relationship is swallowed up by the concern for performance. My son tenses up and starts hearing my concerns as “nagging”. Our conversation moves from interactive to restrictive.
When using the language of affirmation, I try to first and foremost listen to my son’s point, so that he finds himself heard and then responds accordingly. I know I am on the right track when his eyes brighten up; his voice becomes more excited and relaxed; and he is talking and sharing fully from himself. He may also tell a joke or share an experience; and overall the flow of his spirit is exhilarating. At 14, my new teen can really give me a ride in my own youth. He is growing fast and I am thrilled to get a glimpse of his adventure in finding his self-confidence. What a privilege!
I would encourage any parent, especially fathers, to try this out – listen to your child with a view to seeing the beauty of his soul. You will find the joy of fatherhood because it’s not just about molding someone – it’s more about nurturing another.
DAD'S TIPS ON HANDLING TEENS
TIPS FOR FATHERS IN HANDLING TEENS
Effective communications begin with our self-awareness. When we are self-aware, we are able to listen with openness and appreciation.
Most teen complaints are about their parents not listening to them. It’s not that parents don’t care but teens feel that their parents don’t LISTEN for meaning. They feel misunderstood for lack of effort by their parents on this front.
The reason is that often parents have not changed their style to match their children’s progress. Parents have to provide total care beginning from the child’s infancy stage. Then puberty begins and the child is developing rather quietly into a more mature phase of development which requires a new parenting approach, as the child now seeks to develop his/her own identity. Much of the angst and rebellion of teenagers arise not because they reject their parents or are ungrateful - but stem from their need to move beyond being young children to prepare for full adulthood.
It is at this stage that the father really comes to the fore, as he models for his teen how to struggle with the internal chaos of intra-transformation to match the external world’s expectations. This is where the “distance” of the father comes into focus as the teen learns to attach in relationships with a healthy sense of self.
Here fathers can help their teens, as they:
1) Seek to Encourage. Your teen is struggling with peer pressure – big time. She will need a trusted guide. Fathers need to shift from play-mate to mentor-coach.
2) Clarify, clarify, clarify. Avoid assuming you know what your teen is going through. You tend to jump in and rescue, solve problems. Remember, your teen is no longer a child. Se needs to work through the problem herself. The process is necessary for her maturity as she learns to be resilient.
3) Stay Patient. Don’t panic. Parents are their children’s safety nets. But excessive parental fears can make them become prevention nets which leave their children no room to learn from mistakes or worse, no incentive to make their own effort.
4) Have fun. Relax and enjoy the adventures of your teen’s explorations. Smile a lot.
Effective communications begin with our self-awareness. When we are self-aware, we are able to listen with openness and appreciation.
Most teen complaints are about their parents not listening to them. It’s not that parents don’t care but teens feel that their parents don’t LISTEN for meaning. They feel misunderstood for lack of effort by their parents on this front.
The reason is that often parents have not changed their style to match their children’s progress. Parents have to provide total care beginning from the child’s infancy stage. Then puberty begins and the child is developing rather quietly into a more mature phase of development which requires a new parenting approach, as the child now seeks to develop his/her own identity. Much of the angst and rebellion of teenagers arise not because they reject their parents or are ungrateful - but stem from their need to move beyond being young children to prepare for full adulthood.
It is at this stage that the father really comes to the fore, as he models for his teen how to struggle with the internal chaos of intra-transformation to match the external world’s expectations. This is where the “distance” of the father comes into focus as the teen learns to attach in relationships with a healthy sense of self.
Here fathers can help their teens, as they:
1) Seek to Encourage. Your teen is struggling with peer pressure – big time. She will need a trusted guide. Fathers need to shift from play-mate to mentor-coach.
2) Clarify, clarify, clarify. Avoid assuming you know what your teen is going through. You tend to jump in and rescue, solve problems. Remember, your teen is no longer a child. Se needs to work through the problem herself. The process is necessary for her maturity as she learns to be resilient.
3) Stay Patient. Don’t panic. Parents are their children’s safety nets. But excessive parental fears can make them become prevention nets which leave their children no room to learn from mistakes or worse, no incentive to make their own effort.
4) Have fun. Relax and enjoy the adventures of your teen’s explorations. Smile a lot.
DADDY'S PROTECTION
True story of a father's feeling when he's overseas
The other day I was sitting in a MTR train in Hong Kong on the way back to my hotel while on a business trip. It had been a pretty long, tiring day and I was slowly unwinding on the ride that was expected to take about a half hour. Looking around, I observed a young couple in their late-twenties or early-thirties sitting diagonally opposite me at the other end of the train-carriage. They were seated side-by-side like any other regular couple, but what caught my eye was that on the man’s lap, was seated a cute little girl with a china doll hairdo in a soft green dress. Judging by her size, I guessed she was probably about two years old.
Missing my own children, I snatched glances at them throughout the ride. I was especially tickled to see the little girl crawling all over her Daddy. She bounced herself from the left lap to the right lap, and then bounced back again. She struggled to stand up and also tried to climb onto her Daddy’s shoulders. She peered curiously and excitedly out of the window; and observed the people movements each time the train stopped – as different people boarded or alighted.
However, I was really impressed by the Daddy in the train. No matter what the little girl tried to do- be it climb, stand, stretch or peer curiously, his protective arm was always there to support her or be in a position ready to catch her should she fall. There was not a single moment that he did not have an arm around her to support her. More than that, he was always talking to her and pointing out interesting things, whether it was bright lights or views along the way. Most impressively, he was absolutely patient. Not once did he raise his voice or show any sign of displeasure at the little girl’s incessant activity. The little girl was appreciative - judging by the bright, happy look she wore throughout the time I was observing them.
Regrettably I left them when I got to my stop - but this scene led me to the comforting conclusion that fathers everywhere are basically the same. We all want to provide a protected environment for our children. We all want to be there to provide a supportive arm for our children to climb on. Just as much, we all want to be the one to introduce the world to our children. These are things that I recall myself doing when my own children were around this little girl’s age. I am confident to say that it would not matter whether this train ride scene was situated in Singapore, Hong Kong, Tokyo, New York or any other city or country. I am sure all fathers, can be expected to play their protective, supportive and guiding roles, no matter where they come from.
The other day I was sitting in a MTR train in Hong Kong on the way back to my hotel while on a business trip. It had been a pretty long, tiring day and I was slowly unwinding on the ride that was expected to take about a half hour. Looking around, I observed a young couple in their late-twenties or early-thirties sitting diagonally opposite me at the other end of the train-carriage. They were seated side-by-side like any other regular couple, but what caught my eye was that on the man’s lap, was seated a cute little girl with a china doll hairdo in a soft green dress. Judging by her size, I guessed she was probably about two years old.
Missing my own children, I snatched glances at them throughout the ride. I was especially tickled to see the little girl crawling all over her Daddy. She bounced herself from the left lap to the right lap, and then bounced back again. She struggled to stand up and also tried to climb onto her Daddy’s shoulders. She peered curiously and excitedly out of the window; and observed the people movements each time the train stopped – as different people boarded or alighted.
However, I was really impressed by the Daddy in the train. No matter what the little girl tried to do- be it climb, stand, stretch or peer curiously, his protective arm was always there to support her or be in a position ready to catch her should she fall. There was not a single moment that he did not have an arm around her to support her. More than that, he was always talking to her and pointing out interesting things, whether it was bright lights or views along the way. Most impressively, he was absolutely patient. Not once did he raise his voice or show any sign of displeasure at the little girl’s incessant activity. The little girl was appreciative - judging by the bright, happy look she wore throughout the time I was observing them.
Regrettably I left them when I got to my stop - but this scene led me to the comforting conclusion that fathers everywhere are basically the same. We all want to provide a protected environment for our children. We all want to be there to provide a supportive arm for our children to climb on. Just as much, we all want to be the one to introduce the world to our children. These are things that I recall myself doing when my own children were around this little girl’s age. I am confident to say that it would not matter whether this train ride scene was situated in Singapore, Hong Kong, Tokyo, New York or any other city or country. I am sure all fathers, can be expected to play their protective, supportive and guiding roles, no matter where they come from.
INSPIRATIONAL DAD
True story of an inspirational dad
My Dad went to a shining mission school but left with dull grades. He said that in his youth, he preferred life's lessons and the arts rather than academic achievements. That did not prevent him from gaining much wisdom later in life. That did not prevent him from teaching my brother and I to love reading and learning. Dad had quite a temper and much pride. But his imperfection did not prevent him from spreading humour. He worked hard. He was creative and a perfectionist in his business and in whatever he did. Although not the superb business partner to my Mom (she’s the smarter one, he said), Dad made a decent life partner for her. And Mom complemented and supported my Dad beautifully. Dad was not a social activist nor environmentalist. But he taught my brother and I to respect society and love Nature. Dad and Mom imparted life values in us. They believed that what they lacked in academic prowess, they could compensate by working hard to put us through foreign varsities (my parents believed that education comes through academic as well as social and cultural infusion).
Through Dad, I learnt driving skills beyond what my instructor taught me. (I also learnt how to drive in Life – although I still get the occasional bumps). Through Dad and Mom, I learnt to laugh…to appreciate cooking…to love life. Through Dad and Mom, I learn that marriage is never perfect but we must work at it to make it nearly so (after all, my folks survived almost four decades of marital journey and weathered the storms!). Dad also told me earlier in my life that no matter how successful a career woman I grew up to be, I must harmonise and soften my corporate achievements with “womanly” charms and “wifely” duties (Don’t ask me to elaborate. Just follow advice, observe and learn along the way in your real-life driving).
When my twins arrived, Dad doted on them as he did on brother and I – in fact even more so (the “grandparents syndrome”?). My boys just adored him! Dad knows the value of fun and parent-/grandparent-child bonding – something which my esteemed varsity could not have taught me.
As with every beautiful story in life, all things good or bad do come and go. Cancer stole my Dad. He did not make it easy for the dreaded disease though – Dad fought hard! He continued to live life to the full despite his debilitating condition. We saw Dad’s pain but of course, we could not feel it to truly understand his suffering. It’s been more than three years since Dad has passed on. We miss him dearly! I wish that instead of just showing him I care, I should have literally told him that I love him, always! It’s too late now. Dad can’t hear me. He can’t see me, or my twins whom he adored! Silly as it sounds, I sometimes wish Dad could come back. We know that’s impossible!
My Dad went to a shining mission school but left with dull grades. He said that in his youth, he preferred life's lessons and the arts rather than academic achievements. That did not prevent him from gaining much wisdom later in life. That did not prevent him from teaching my brother and I to love reading and learning. Dad had quite a temper and much pride. But his imperfection did not prevent him from spreading humour. He worked hard. He was creative and a perfectionist in his business and in whatever he did. Although not the superb business partner to my Mom (she’s the smarter one, he said), Dad made a decent life partner for her. And Mom complemented and supported my Dad beautifully. Dad was not a social activist nor environmentalist. But he taught my brother and I to respect society and love Nature. Dad and Mom imparted life values in us. They believed that what they lacked in academic prowess, they could compensate by working hard to put us through foreign varsities (my parents believed that education comes through academic as well as social and cultural infusion).
Through Dad, I learnt driving skills beyond what my instructor taught me. (I also learnt how to drive in Life – although I still get the occasional bumps). Through Dad and Mom, I learnt to laugh…to appreciate cooking…to love life. Through Dad and Mom, I learn that marriage is never perfect but we must work at it to make it nearly so (after all, my folks survived almost four decades of marital journey and weathered the storms!). Dad also told me earlier in my life that no matter how successful a career woman I grew up to be, I must harmonise and soften my corporate achievements with “womanly” charms and “wifely” duties (Don’t ask me to elaborate. Just follow advice, observe and learn along the way in your real-life driving).
When my twins arrived, Dad doted on them as he did on brother and I – in fact even more so (the “grandparents syndrome”?). My boys just adored him! Dad knows the value of fun and parent-/grandparent-child bonding – something which my esteemed varsity could not have taught me.
As with every beautiful story in life, all things good or bad do come and go. Cancer stole my Dad. He did not make it easy for the dreaded disease though – Dad fought hard! He continued to live life to the full despite his debilitating condition. We saw Dad’s pain but of course, we could not feel it to truly understand his suffering. It’s been more than three years since Dad has passed on. We miss him dearly! I wish that instead of just showing him I care, I should have literally told him that I love him, always! It’s too late now. Dad can’t hear me. He can’t see me, or my twins whom he adored! Silly as it sounds, I sometimes wish Dad could come back. We know that’s impossible!
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