JOY OF FATHERHOOD

After spending an afternoon with one of my two boys, I asked myself how affirming I had been. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most positive, I rated myself 4 and that allowed me to check on what happened. After a while, I have come to realize that I tend to be less affirming whenever I am performance-focused, distracted or pressed for time.

Whenever I have an agenda I would fail to see and fully listen to my son. This would quickly turn my focus off him as a person and onto his performance. He recedes into the background and I look at him as a problem to solve or an object to motivate. I reduce him to an “object” and our interaction as an “objective”. This mode leads to “good/bad” or “right/wrong” judgments; and the personal relationship is swallowed up by the concern for performance. My son tenses up and starts hearing my concerns as “nagging”. Our conversation moves from interactive to restrictive.

When using the language of affirmation, I try to first and foremost listen to my son’s point, so that he finds himself heard and then responds accordingly. I know I am on the right track when his eyes brighten up; his voice becomes more excited and relaxed; and he is talking and sharing fully from himself. He may also tell a joke or share an experience; and overall the flow of his spirit is exhilarating. At 14, my new teen can really give me a ride in my own youth. He is growing fast and I am thrilled to get a glimpse of his adventure in finding his self-confidence. What a privilege!

I would encourage any parent, especially fathers, to try this out – listen to your child with a view to seeing the beauty of his soul. You will find the joy of fatherhood because it’s not just about molding someone – it’s more about nurturing another.