FOREWARNINGS

“Are we going yet?” Nicky pleaded. “In a little while more,” replied the father with a kind voice. John then turned to me and said, “Boys will be boys...”. I smiled and then for the fifth time quickly kept the conversation going because time was running out. The truth is, I felt guilty, since I quietly wished he had not brought the kids along. Then we can just take our time and chill out. After all it’s been years... Sigh.
On the seventh time of asking, I decided I need to be happy, so I said “boys, you guys have been wonderfully patient. Just give your dad and I ten more minutes and we will be done.” They went away quite happily and left us to wrap up.
I thought the last ten minutes was the best because I did not feel guilty making the kids wait for the adult talk to finish an hour or so. The kids had left us in peace and I had stopped looking around the restaurant worried where they have run to if things were too quiet and feeling awkward when the noise was too loud. After all I knew that it was not fair to keep the kids waiting.
I had applied the principle of fore-warning. This is a great relational tool for a person in authority like a teacher or parent to help their charges to be emotionally prepared for a change of activity.
An example is when an exam invigilator announces that you have 5 more minutes before time’s up and everyone has to put their pens down and stop writing. Another is to help kids to prepare themselves to stop whatever they are doing like a computer game and switch off the console for another activity.
Many parents had told me how difficult it was to stop their kids from say, watching TV. When I ask whether they had firstly set an agreed timing to switch the TV off, they would say “No”. Then asked whether they had forewarned them of the minutes before the switch off time, they again said “No”. As a result children feel parents are unfair, controlling, tyrannical, joy-robbers, etc.
To avoid such clashes, I have found that the key lies in forewarnings. First calmly agree on time for cessation of activity with your kid before the activity starts. Then enforcement is made easier if fifteen minutes before time, a first call is announced of the impending switch off time. Third, the last forewarning is made five minutes before and then the final call to shut down.
Kids normally would not argue or resist you except maybe an under the breath grumble because you had given sufficient warnings. It is the abrupt disruptions, even if agreed on earlier, that makes children act up.

FYI this actually happens in my real-life story. My princess always had her reasons when i wanted to send her back home at 6pm to her mother's house. (I was given custody to be with my princess once a week from 10am to 6pm) My princess cites reasons like she still wants to be with me, sit in my car and watch her favourite cartoon "Mr Bean". So what i usaully practise is that i made a point to reach her mother's place at least 5 mins earlier. Once reached and parked my car, i always told her that Ba-Ba will give you 5 more minutes to watch the cartoon and after that Ba-Ba will send you back. In this way, it really helps. My princess will adhere to the 5 miniutes and graciuosly switched off the VCD in my car and hold my hand while i fetch her back to her mum.

Forewarnings help children to build an inner discipline of keeping to time if you start them young. They know the rules and you then do not need to ‘bark’ out your enforcements. When children fail to keep their pledge, you can also teach them about promise-keeping and get them to see for themselves how they have to make amends. Normally, a penalty of deduction or equivalent penalty of time extended would underline the discipline of doing different things at different times.

Just to add-on, attached is one of my favourite VCD which at times makes me cry when watching it. "The GAME PLAN" which clearly shows how tough the father is but when comes to leaving her daughter, it can makes a "tough father" CRIES.

EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

The key to bonding with your child is emotional connection. This is done through empathetic listening which is listening to give an accurate feedback on how the child feels. Successful empathy is achieved when the child expresses that s/he feels understood.
I like to watch my children at play with other kids because I can quietly study their inner world. Over the years these 4 ‘P’s have helped me connect with them through their inner world. You may wish to try them:
1. Participation – Observe how participative your child is to the activities and environment at camp. You are witnessing his/her curiosity and creativity at work. Compliment these as you note them. As Parents you are also modelling these qualities. So set the tempo and example during the camp. (Switch off your hand-phones and use them only at meal breaks if necessary.)
2. Performance – Observe how much effort your child puts in to overcome the obstacles. Sustainable success is a process where achievements are built one step at a time. Instant success is sheer luck, very unpredictable and therefore unsustainable. Teach your child not to gamble on his/her future but to build it. So help your child to set his/her personal goal for each obstacle and then debrief for self-improvement. (You are teaching your child to manage his own motivation and pace of growth).
3. Pressure – Observe how your child manages the “push” factor in life as he/she tries to cope with the pressure to succeed and not be a failure or loser especially in front of you. Under such circumstances, parents are cheerleaders and should not be jeer-leaders. Listen through the frustration or silence to hear the inner struggle of a child faced with a high rope obstacle, and then speak the word of encouragement. That is when you become inspirational. (You are teaching your child that fear, anxiety, do not kill. Fear of the fear does.)
4. Peers - Team work is both collaborative and competitive. It is important to reign in the latter in order to build networks of friends as we climb up the ladder of life. The object is to move from competing and comparing with others, to self-improvement. (You are raising your child’s social intelligence).

THE FATHERING DANCE

It was great fun and both Suen and I could not help but found ourselves tapping our feet to the music after awhile. What I am reminded is that fathering is a dance but as a three-some because the partners are mother, father and child. Of course this immediately creates a very unstable situation. But that is the point.

In the old fashion waltz, bodies are locked in a firm but delicate embrace. It is already a challenge for the two partners to traverse the space on the dance floor in harmony and finesse but how much more difficult when it is a trio. And in the dance, only one person can lead, the other follows. Now you can imagine this can get a bit tricky in a three-some. So it is in the dance of the family triad. Family relationships are unstable and needs constant attention to keep the balance and harmony. The question is who is taking the lead? The funny thing is that the dance begins as a pair, with husband and wife. Sometimes the issue of lead can be quite a problem already. But when the dance now expands to a threesome, to include a child, complications multiply.

If we liken the lead in a dance to doing the talking in the relationship, then the question becomes “Who is talking?” And then of course who is listening and so forth. The point is that with triadic relationships, only one pair of conversation can take place at any one time and the third party can only observe. And only one person can talk at any one time. Two persons talking at the same time is an argument.

Herein is my point. In a three-some dance just like the triadic family relationship, followership is more important than leadership. (Have you heard of the general who said “Charge!” only to look around and find himself all alone in the front?”) To be a good follower, we need to be good observers. Far from being passive, observing is a crucial learning skill. It is fundamental to imitation. Herein is the secret to effective parenting, say, if you want to teach your child to be considerate, she will learn it by watching you being considerate to her mother and not just by being told she should do such and such.

Take a moment and reflect on a mannerism or attitude your child displays and you get surprised how much it emulates your wife for example. It comes from imitation. Children love to imitate adults. It is fun and natural. So the next time you are driven to scream, “Why can’t you listen. You are so stubborn…” … Ask: “Just like…?”

Our walk simply shuts out our talk. We are in a three-way dance with our children, each of them. The music does not stop. Our children will grow up and change partners when they get married and have their own children. Then they have their own three-way dance partners and they will have to take the lead for their threesome.

MEETING NEEDS

My wife grew up surrounded and bolstered by the love of many relatives and cousins, so she has always longed to have a large family, and the fact that we now have six children doesn’t really come as a surprise. Our oldest child (boy) is now 16 and the youngest (boy) is three years old. The rest in between are daughters aged 15, 13, 11 and 8.

My wife and I love kids. Well, maybe I wasn’t as excited about kids from the start. I especially feared children dashing into me (where it hurts most!) out of nowhere in crowded places, and babies crying incessantly. But with each child of our own, I learnt to appreciate and cherish them. Right from the start and throughout the parenting years, I was encouraged by my wife to change the kids’ diapers, brush their teeth, play with them, and more. With the realization of my significant role as the leader of the family, I grew closer to the children and kept improving my fathering skills. From being an activity-based dad to being their story-teller, tutor, mentor and coach.

Meeting Mental Needs
One of the key skills any father has to learn is to tell stories spontaneously when putting the children to bed at night! But just in case – always have a storybook with you in the event of a mental block! During occasional dinners in the evening, we would engage in quizzes, where each child would be posed a question in turn - be it from the movies, general knowledge or the religious text. The older children would be given more difficult questions, while the younger children got the easier ones. This practice has rubbed off on them and they have even started giving quizzes to each other and even to us parents, with token prizes included!

Our family newsletter called “The Lye Family Times” is occasionally published by two to three of our kids without our help, and this newsletter includes games, puzzles, jokes, upcoming news and updates of our family activities. We also coach our children in their school subjects when needed (my wife was instrumental in developing their reading skills from young, while I made myself available for their Mathematics questions).

Meeting Physical Needs
We used to go to a Sports Stadium near our house or to the Club for exercises or a swim. Our children learnt their inline skating and basic badminton skills from me; while their cycling and basic swimming skills came from my wife. However, continuation of our physical activities is one aspect where we need to get back on, looking at how my girth has expanded over the years!

Meeting Emotional Needs
One of my kids asked why we decided to have such a large family. I think that she’s at the age where she’s conscious that many of her friends have small nuclear families, and she feels different. In her mind, having an additional sibling or two is a luxury and a larger family means that the ‘pie’ (be it time, money or material things) is cut into smaller pieces. When she complained that she didn't feel special, my wife and I decided to work out something to make sure the kids felt loved and cherished as individuals.

We set up "Family One-on-One Dates (F.O.O.D)", where either my wife or I would go on a date with each of our children at least once every quarter. We have a meal and do whatever they enjoy – be it playing computer games, window shopping, or even setting up a tent at the beach. This idea evolved over the years. Initially, we were very idealistic, hoping that we could get the kids to share their thoughts and feelings within 15 minutes on a daily basis. What a big mistake! By the time each child warmed up, the rest of the children in the queue were getting impatient and started to protest as their turn was being delayed. After some tinkering and lots of thought, we’ve now hammered out a system where each child gets to go out with either parent at least once every 6 to 8 weeks.

Meeting Spiritual Needs
On top of the F.O.O.D, we also empower the kids at home with daily prayer time where we practise OL (organizational learning) using a ‘Talking Stick’. We also conduct family meetings once in about every two months. If there’s something the kids disagree with us about, that’s the best time to bring it up, as the agenda calls for a review of the past two months, a discussion of the present and a look into future plans. With six kids, you can be sure each of them has his/her own unique personalities and likes to make known his/her own individual wants and needs. As parents, we have to step in at times to clarify that there is a difference between the two (needs and wants), and impart values such as discipline, integrity and simplicity.

A FATHER'S TOUCH

The other day as I said good-bye to my teenage son, I opened by arms as usual. There was a significant pause… and then we hugged. This was not the case earlier on. The hugs came more easily, naturally, spontaneously, warmly and even with fun. But sigh… the onset of adolescence has arrived and the hugs are fast going out of fashion too.

Why should it be so? I am a firm believer that the family that hugs, stays together. I know that this is not part of our Asian (especially Chinese) culture. But touch is a fundamental language of love that we should encourage not just for babies and young children.

I had a friend whose father would give his grown-up sons a firm handshake. It all looked very strange and business-like but secretly I thought, it was better than the adult-sons not having any physical contact with their dad.

At our father-child bonding camps, our closing sessions call upon a father-and-child pair to share what they mean to each other. The deepest connections are witnessed when the father holds the hands of his child, looks fully into the child’s face and says “I love you.” The profound mixture of pride and embarrassment is simply a joy to witness. Many hitherto unspoken intentions are clearly articulated; and the words and emotions are seared into the child’s heart – signed, sealed, delivered.

I believe that this is fundamental for bonding. Too often, fathers fall short not because of heart-connections but because of the lack of touch-connections. Why? Is it because it is too mushy? Too feminine? Unmanly? The fact is that our adult children still love to be loved by their parents. This is so obvious in the way parents themselves return home and enjoy being pampered by their own moms and dads.

Let us keep the touch-connection with our children the way we did when they were young and “safe” to hug. Some families greet each other with the kiss on the cheek; others a full firm face-to-face handshake. You can invent your own for your family.

For years I kept a newspaper cutting of a picture of the great Tiger Woods playfully pulling his father’s jockey cap over his eyes at a golf course. Both were laughing and the fun they shared was obvious. The photo speaks volumes to the well-known father-child bond that Tiger Woods had with his father. For me the picture sums up the touch-connection. A great father is revealed when his grown-up child plays with him as a mentor and friend through words and touch.

FATHER'S "INSPIRATIONAL PRESENCE"

Personally, I believe that Singapore fathers are more involved in early child-rearing today than in the past. I see fathers carrying and ferrying babies and children in the shopping malls and so on. I know of fathers who cook, do the marketing and do laundry and ironing, besides sending kids to school. This is good progress for our families and fathers are capable of even more. But to do this fathers need to know what their children need from them. I believe more than ever, that the children of today need the “inspirational presence” of their fathers.

One father sheepishly said to me, “I am not good in my studies, so I have nothing to impart to my children.” However, children have repeatedly told me that they do not enjoy being tutored by their parents. What they want is for their fathers to stand by them; to be their cheerleaders.
Too often children are already stressed by peer pressure to do well in school. Nobody, including our kids, likes to fail. Nobody WANTS to fail! So disregard the bravados of hurt pride and really see the fear and anxiety that bind our children in school and at the playground, when they think they do not “measure up”.

The maxim “A friend in need is a friend indeed” particularly applies here for fathering. Fathers can become inspirational when they go alongside their struggling children and say, “Hey that was tough. I failed too when I was your age and boy was it painful. I learnt that sometimes it’s just like that. But I also learnt that I can try again, if I want to.”

We are often our harshest critics. It is the same with children. At times like that, having a cheerleader for a father is crucial because children then know that they are loved for who they are, even when they have failed.

In a performance-driven society like ours, we need to show our children that “family” is about unconditional acceptance especially when their chips are down. In this way, maybe we cease to think of our children as OUR pride and joy; and start making parenting more about the privilege and joy of creating, sharing life. Then maybe parenting also becomes less about pleasure-seeking and more about life-giving.

FAMILY HOME EVENING

MONDAY night is our "family home evening" when we get together for games, singing, lessons, and family discussions. One parent may give a lesson on being a good neighbour, while one child prepares the refreshments, and another plays the piano during the singing. This weekly tradition is our attempt to put the family first among our priorities in life and it has helped our children learnt values, improved our relationships and strengthened us as a family. We did run into conflict with other obligations but we hung on through 15 years.

When our girls became teenagers we took the telephone off the hook during family evenings. Sometimes we thought we had lost touch with the real world when our daughters told us things we never knew. We discovered that we were learning as much as we were teaching. We hold family evenings because we recognise our role and the influence we have on our children and it is also a demonstration of our love for them. It needs self-discipline to be home early on Mondays, to keep looking for different, interesting activities each week, to keep sending the message “We love one another and we enjoy being together." We let the children play leaders - organising things, preparing drinks, cleaning up the living room afterwards, drawing up next week's roster, teaching lessons like "Why we must love animals". For a change, we would go to the movies or simply drive out for an ice-cream treat.

Family evenings are a time to talk about what happened at school, at home and at work. In the early years, we failed to listen and missed the real message behind the spoken words. The complaints and excuses why certain chores were not completed were signals for help and attention. As we became better listeners, we realised that sometimes all they wanted was a listening ear. When we were not judgemental, we were able to venture into difficult topics, such as sex and Aids. It was as if a brand new world of understanding suddenly opened its door, and we marched right in.

At one family evening, we negotiated a family deal based on keeping promises. Our girls wanted a dog - the agreement was that they would bring home a dog, care for it for one month, and clean up messes without being asked. Our part, as adults, was not to lose our heads if the dog misbehaved. After one month, we had a review - the dog has been with us for two years now.

Family home evenings are a time for discussing family finances and paying our daughters their allowance. We are now discussing if we should use our CPF savings for buying shares. Years ago, we instituted a coupon system of one coupon per-half-hour of TV watching. Given 16 coupons a week, a child could spend them all in one weekend or spread them out through the week. The system taught our daughters self-discipline and careful use of resources. We regard our family members as our stewardship, meaning we are responsible for one another's well-being, growth and success. We try not to take one another for granted, but practise unconditional love. We try to live the principle that love is more a '”verb" than a "feeling” - doing things for others.

The family home evening has provided us learning experiences such as could not be found in any institution of learning. We know we have fun, and we have learnt to face the outside world with confidence, charity and understanding. In a way, it has transformed our home into a fortress of safety and protection against the negative influences of the materialistic world.

PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

The pursuit of happiness has become the biggest obstacle to guilt-free parenting today.

Too many parents have translated the pursuit of happiness to mean that they must have happy kids. In short, happy kids make happy parents. Of course there is some validity to this. The problem arises when "happy" means instant gratification. But the real twist is that parents feel guilty when they do not feed this desire for instant gratification (which has been mistaken for a yearning for happiness).

So like a programmed robot, some parents respond to "unhappy kids” (read “kids activating their appetite for instant gratification”) by sticking something into their mouths, their hands, their ears, their eyes, their bodies (e.g. tattoos). Otherwise, these parents blame themselves and suffer the whack of the big "G" (Guilt) - a gigantic doze of a gut-wrenching, bad feeling.

A teenager once told me, "I only want to do what I like." I asked him, "What about your responsibilities? Who pays for your pleasures?" He gave me a blank look. Not surprisingly, I met his parents and noticed that they absolutely doted on him.

Guilt-laden parenting is damaging to our kids. For one thing it leads to impulsivity as children do not know how to delay their appetites. This often leads to aggression and in extreme cases, even violence. It also leads to children not learning how to do things for themselves, and therefore having no sense of self-worth or self-care.

We need to stop the spiral of guilt-laden parenting. Firstly, happy children do not necessary mean healthy children. Secondly, true happiness is based on a solid grounding of truth and character. Thirdly, given the above, parenting is about helping our children negotiate healthily through developmental stages, so that they may mature fully as unique individuals, able to contribute to the life of the Universe. Parenting is not about reducing the entire Universe and all of life into the gratification of a child.

If we want our children to succeed in life, we need to help them find their role and responsibility for the greater whole of life. After all, no man is an island unto himself. For this to happen, we need guilt-free parents who dare to discipline, guide, lead and model for their children the truth that true happiness is beyond instant gratification.

FATHERING IS A SKILL

First of all, ‘fathering’ is a skill and not just a role. Consequently, fathering is the counterpart of mothering, sort of like our right and left hands. Children should have access to wholistic parenting, much like the use of two hands. A child’s self-image is reflective of the two-parent integrated relationship. “Good” fathering then begins with being present and accessible. As a popular saying goes, “Half the victory is won by showing up”.

Second, it follows then that “good” is not a moral judgement. Rather, a more accurate term would be, I propose, “competent”. Competency, unlike ‘good’, is skill-based, focusing on behaviour and ability. It is concrete, observable, measurable and transferable.
I think what Centre for Fathering is seeking to promote is the “Competent Father”. We do not seek to judge who is a “good father” by putting a person against some scale. Rather we are trying to benchmark a profile of best fathering practices across culture and communities. We want to support fathers to parent effectively with the best fathering practices available to us.
Finally competent fathering is important because though we cannot guarantee what our children may become when they grow up, we are morally bound to give them the best nurture for their formative years. This is the consideration from where all good fathering begins.

IMPORTANCE OF PERSONAL TOUCH

“Thanks for the reminder for busy fathers to make time for their families. My father, upon his retirement, made it a point to learn cooking and cook for the household. We will usually talk about his cooking over the meal. Obviously he gets compared to my mom who serves mouthwatering 'lemak cili api' or 'asam pedas'. Nevertheless, he takes it with a pinch of salt and the whole family has a good laugh during the meal. It may be his way of making up to us for those years when he was busy working hard to support the family. It was hard work but fortunately his work allowed him to be back home in time for dinner. Things are different for me. I do not have the luxury of returning home on time for dinner. Family meals are mostly during weekends. However, I strive to make it really enjoyable for me and my kids. I decided to copy my father. I play around in the kitchen with my kids while I prepare for the meal. It can be a simple fried rice or even a burger. I make sure my kids are involved in the preparation. Simple things like washing the vegetables or helping to stir the rice or grill the patties. At the same time I will act out the role of the comical chef! The smile and laughter from my kids make my day! I can still remember the day when my eldest kid who was in K2 then, said the following,"Ayah is the bestest chef!" What more can a father ask for?

The family that eats together, stays together. The truth behind this saying is seen in the shared joy associated with a simple dish or meal that becomes a special treat for all involved. Fathers, it can be as simple as pancake, or omelette; but as Saherly (and I am sure many others) would attest to, the key lies in the Hands that prepare it.

A picture may speak a thousand words, but the impact of a dish prepared by the Hands of a Father goes beyond words.

If you have a recipe to recommend, do send it to us.
Fathers, let us inspire one another to give our families a “Father’s Treat” this EWYFD.

If you are in a position of influence, may I request that you introduce this event to your institution or organization and raise the awareness to a corporate level. Help build a work-life harmony spirit in which a happy family makes a happy employee.

PASSING ON VALUES

Dear Fathers,
I like Chinese New Year (CNY) for the great memories I have from childhood. The deluge of fire-crackers; lion dances; ang-pows; new clothes; and of course, food - especially the family reunion dinner.

The heart of CNY nevertheless is the family. This annual event can be seen to be like the rings in a tree. We can actually see the state of family relationships by observing how the traditions are practised (or not!). During this festive season, we are teaching our children significantly what it means to be family.

Parents speak loudest to the children in the way they relate at CNY to their elders, cousins, distant relatives etc. They learn to participate in family feuds too – “That so-and-so auntie, who does she think she is?”. Children also learn to value the home as they participate in spring-cleaning. If the maid does all the cleaning on this occasion, then children learn deeply that being family is more about being house proud rather than being part of creating the home.

Essentially, I am surfacing the fact that parents constantly pass on values to their children through the way they live, and more so, through the family traditions that are observed. What we believe and profess about being family, can either be cancelled or confirmed by what we practice and how we observe traditions.

Beyond the bed-time storytelling and the one-on-one talk, parents are constructing their children’s socio-emotional compass through their attitudes and actions every moment of the day. Know this and use this.

SECRET OF QUALITY TIME

Often when fathers think of family time, we think in terms of time spent with everyone together like in a meal or going to the zoo. In our minds, we think that since we are already spending so much time every day and especially every weekend together, why do family members still say “We don’t spend time together?” Well everyone knows it’s quality not quantity time that matters. One father shared with me his secret of how he spends quality time with his family. He dates his kids and wife individually.

John has two kids and he would put aside time in the week to have breakfast, or meals with each one of them. This is fixed and announced. He tells me this plan came about when one day his wife told him that the older child felt that he loved the younger one more. So John decided that he would spend equal time on a one-on-one basis so that the kids would experience equality of love from him. It worked surprisingly well because he also learnt to pay attention to each child and realized the difference it made to individual bonds. He said “I used to think that as long as I am spending time with the family, I am bonding with them. I have since realized that bonding is a one-on-one connection. Very different from being with the whole family.”

I learnt from John that quality time is not just about availability but also about attention. We always hear people say “My door is always open”. Why so few walk-ins? Because there’s no attention given. Maybe instead of busying our weekends with family meals, fathers may find converting some of these meals to individual family dates, so as to spend quality time.

FATHERING DOES MATTER!!

I have accepted that family relationship is my core value. With this understanding, it has tremendously helped me to make major decision. Should I accept the opportunity that will offer me double my income but that requires travelling? Should I participate in a networking opportunity that will increase the chances of personal success? Should I insist on purchasing item A when item B can actually bring happiness to the family? Should I be spending time writing this response amidst my other tasks that are awaiting my follow up?

Well, with a clear acceptance of the importance of family relationship, the decision is rather easy to make when it comes to choices...”

The above is an example of the kind of rich fathering wisdom that has reached us. If this trend continues, we can all make FM a platform to discuss fathering matters.

I may be naïve to say this - but I would like to see a day come when men could talk about fathering in the same breath as mothering, without any inhibition. Women can just freely talk about their home life in all social settings. Why not men? Maybe one day we will hear a father say over the bar, “Hey guys, you know I am having a headache with my teenager…”. And his drinking buddies would not think that he is … well, unmanly. Now that would be the day when male chauvinism is truly broken. Then wives would not feel that they have to “do it all” – career, family, etc.

That day may not be as far away as we think. A few weeks ago, the media reported that the number of house-husbands are on the rise in South Korea because it is their wives who were able to find employment under the current economic situation. Today’s family has to be flexible and adaptable to adjust their parenting roles and responsibilities as the world changes. That is why we need to be proactive to strengthen the Singapore family of tomorrow. Fathering does matter.

SHOW AND TELL (II)

Since we now know that children learn more by watching us than by listening to us, as parents we can use this to our advantage to impart values and attitudes.

The most important thing I learnt from this fact is that: I do not need to be perfect and so I should not expect my child to be perfect.

It amazes me how parents often pressure their children to excel in school when they themselves did not. Parents often tell me that they need their children to score in school so that they can go to university, get a degree, get a good job and so have a good life. When I ask them whether they knew this was so especially in the last economic down-turn, they would say no. In today’s world, and tomorrow’s for that matter, having a degree no longer guarantees a good secure job. And that is the truth. This is because there are simply too many graduates chasing too few jobs.

A university degree simply opens more doors. In tomorrow’s world, our children will need to be more resilient and creative to stay ahead. How then do we teach our children such qualities? By showing them that success is more about recovering from setbacks and about persistence built on sound values.

When my son was discouraged by his school grades, I shared with him how I struggled with Mandarin in school. I shared how one day I had to counsel a client using Mandarin and my client had to correct my usage of Mandarin. At first I was embarrassed. But later I discovered that my counselee had to have understood the issues involved in order to correct me. In that way, my weakness had in fact furthered the therapy work. I stopped being embarrassed about my poor Mandarin and started to put more effort to learning the language afresh.

This story helped my son to see that failing does not make a failure make, as long as we keep learning and growing. We learnt the meaning of that big word called “resilience”.